Communication Break-Down

Without further ado, Our new company name is…(drumroll please)…

FORTE

We started with wanting a new website. Which led us to figuring out who we are. Which led us to figuring out who our clients are. Which made us realize that most of our clients are already awesome.

And yet, they still want to be better. You. You want to be better. The best, actually.

And that’s when it hit us: We were no longer solving problems, we were taking people from pretty darn good to, well, rock stars.

That’s when we decided we needed something bold, something loud, something that would capture the kind of clients we had and wanted more of.

FORTE has several meanings, which is why we chose it. Musically (and I have a music background, so how fun is that), it means loud. I tend to be a bit…loud, so this fit my personality as well as our theme of tuning into your nonverbal communication. The word FORTE also means ability. We help people develop their nonverbal ability. When we added our tagline: Volume. Nonverbally., it all fell into place.

We’re not saying you need to be loud. What we are saying is, to be a rock star in your field, you’ve got to turn up the volume on your nonverbal communication. You’ve literally got to “hear” what you, and others, are communicating nonverbally.

In addition, we decided we also wanted to talk like regular people. On our website. Like we do in real life. No more corporate speak. We decided we’re committed to authenticity. So why not talk like we really talk?

Finally, we’re absolutely thrilled to announce our new team member Melissa Chureau. A skilled trial attorney, she will be assisting Sari with legal consulting as well as presenting CLE’s, other trainings, and coaching. She’s going to introduce herself in a few days here on the blog, so I’ll let her tell you more.

We invite you to visit our brand new website: www.nonverbalforte.com to check out the new us. Although some of you may be left scratching your heads, we’re pretty confident that most of you are going to love it. In any case, we’re owning it.

FORTE. We’re ready for change. Are you?

P.S. We welcome your feedback, so drop us a line. We’ll be tweaking the website over the next few weeks so keep checking back, and blogs will soon be in a new format and location. Also note our Facebook page has changed, you can join the conversation here.

I left the mall with my two girls in tow, trying to get to the car as fast as possible since I was freezing cold. But preschoolers don’t hurry; so we meandered around the perimeter of the building while they examined every pebble and twig, and I made gentle, patient, can-you-move-any-faster-for-crying-out-loud sounds.

Then I realized two people were walking behind us, conversing. I could care less what they were talking about (I wasn’t eavesdropping! Really!), but I couldn’t help but be intrigued by the nonverbals I heard.

Sometimes explaining, sometimes pleading, the woman in the dyad poured her heart out to the man walking with her. She spoke very quickly, with high breathing and Approachable voice pattern, signaling urgency and personal attachment to the story and outcome.

The man, however, maintained a calm, detached, Authoritative voice pattern through the entire conversation. His relaxed breathing conveyed that the woman’s emotional story didn’t impact him personally—he was neither agitated and concerned, nor impatient and bored. The warmth in his voice communicated understanding, yet the flat tone that curled down at the ends of statements suggested that he would not yield his position (whatever that was).

This seemed odd to me—incongruent. Why was the woman spilling her guts to someone who didn’t care? How was the man able to listen to such frantic jabber for so long without getting irritated? (Doubt I could!)

As the girls and I left the sidewalk and headed to the car, I couldn’t help but glance back. Suddenly, it all made sense. The man was a police officer!

I had assumed the two were personally acquainted. (Note to self: Don’t assume.) Had that been the case, the mismatched voice patterns would have made no sense. But their voice patterns matched their roles, not necessarily the content of the conversation.

What’s the point?

The definition of “appropriate” nonverbals changes depending on context, role, level of responsibility, relationship, and a whole host of other factors. Effectual communication, therefore, requires a wide range of nonverbal skills and the ability to discern which approach best fits the person and situation.

Learning the skills is just the beginning. Learning to apply them at the right time and place requires practice, practice, practice.

I’m not a big fan of “New Year’s Resolutions.” Seems to me, if you need to make changes in your life, do it. Why wait for an arbitrary date to live a better life? Having said that, setting goals and values only works if you check in periodically to see how you’re doing. And it makes the most sense to check back during times of transition, like the beginning of the year.

What do you want for 2012? Chances are, however you define it, you want more, you want higher, you want better.  

Or perhaps you and your life are already perfect.

<snicker>

Here’s the deal: No matter what field you work in—even if you work in isolation, even if you don’t like people, even if your work is technical—at some point you must interact with others. You must communicate. Your ability (or lack thereof) to communicate well, to get your intended message across, to gauge and influence receptivity, to command attention or convey openness… these skills will directly impact your value in the workplace.

All these skills require nonverbal intelligence. Increase your nonverbal intelligence, increase your capacity to accomplish and achieve.

Oh, and guess what. We can help you with that.

I have a friend who constantly misuses air quotes. You know what I mean. Where you hold your hands in the air and “quote” around something you’ve said to indicate to your listeners that they not take it at face value? Yeah, he does that, except he’ll “air quote” randomly. An example:

“So, yesterday, I was at the (air quote) ‘grocery store’ (air quote) when I came across…”

At which point we literally have to stop him and say, “Wait. Were you at the grocery store?” To which he’ll reply, in all earnestness, “Yes! Why?”

…

I was thinking about this the other day when I walked by a small food mart near my apartment that advertises itself as “natural.” But therein lies the problem. By putting quotes around the word “natural” I wondered if what they were selling really WAS natural. The quotes immediately put me on my guard. (That and the Hostess endcap I glimpsed from outside.)

Nonverbal communication is everywhere. It’s not just how we gesture, stand or hold ourselves while sitting, it’s communicated through our tone of voice, the clothes we wear, the words we use, and yes, even punctuation.

When we’re writing we use actual punctuation marks like commas, periods, quotation marks and the like. When we’re speaking we use pausing and gesturing, and the volume of our voice. The point is (if I have one) that nonverbal communication is all around us and communicates more strongly than the actual words.

So pay attention. Or you might “miss out.” (Really. You’ll miss out.)

Whether or not you participate in the upcoming holiday season, the end of the year impacts our entire culture. For many, it is a time of joy and fun. Yet, it also brings some added STRESS. At the mall last week I was struck by the number of people I heard say, “I’m soooo tired!” Businesses must meet the demands of increased sales, traffic, and communication as year-end deadlines loom. Everything gets kicked up a notch during the last month of the year, and that pressure can spill over into our relationships.

At Nonverbal Solutions, we strive to improve business and personal relationships by making communication safe. When defending ourselves, we can’t think creatively and process logically. In essence, we can’t hear and we can’t speak. Our nonverbal communication strategies—such as systematic use of eye contact, employing appropriate voice patterns, or effective handling of location—increase clarity, depersonalize conflict, and reduce tension.

Many of these techniques, however, come down to the ability to breathe.

Another sales associate just called in sick? Breathe. Your website just went down? Breathe. Your wife is upset over the number of hours you’re working? Breathe.

You’ll think better.

You’ll feel better.

You’ll communicate better.

Ever feel like your “work” consists of attending meetings?

It can take so much time to discuss what we want to do, what we will do, and what we did, that little time remains in the work day for actual doing. It reminds me of this “demotivational” poster:

We need meetings. Yet how do you communicate that time is a precious commodity and not to be wasted? How can you stay on track?

Many meeting facilitators prepare an Agenda beforehand. Great!! Now use it systematically and purposefully to direct meetings.

• Be specific. List exactly what needs to be discussed and how many minutes are allocated to each item.
• Be consistent. Appoint a Schedule Czar to give warnings when time is running out—if the matter clearly needs more attention and discussion, schedule a separate meeting.
• Keep it visible. If your Agenda is the first slide of your Power Point presentation which shows up once and is never seen again, it can’t help you. Get it off to the side—on a white board, a separate screen, a flip chart, etc. Its presence provides a constant, silent reminder of the tasks and topics at hand.  
• Refer to it. Turn and look at the Agenda as you transition between topics. Communicate that it guides the discussion.   
• Let the Agenda be the bad guy. Any time the meeting begins to derail, instead of verbally trying to steer the conversation back, let the Agenda do it nonverbally. Just as the Agenda confirms what will be covered, allow it to settle what won’t be covered. When a satellite topic arises, turn and look at the Agenda. If necessary, you can say, “That’s not on the Agenda for today.” Breathe. Wait. Once you sense that the topic has been dropped (participants will begin breathing again), get back to business.

 Just think of how many more meetings you’ll be able to schedule with all the time you’ll save!!

(Photo courtesy of www.despair.com. Thanks!)

I hated the name Sari growing up.

You can probably guess why.

When I was 13 and oh so wise, I added an “h” and called myself Shari. Except that created a new problem because now everyone called me Sherry. So in my 30’s, after a lot of upheaval both professionally and personally,  I went back to Sari. “Shari” no longer fit.

And neither does Nonverbal Solutions.

As you may or may not know, we’ve been going through a rebrand process around here the past several months. We’ve delved into who we are, and what we do, and although it’s been difficult at times, it’s been an exciting process. We’ve never been more clear about what this company is about. And as our new identity started to emerge it became more and more clear that Nonverbal Solutions wasn’t quite….right.

For one, the word “solutions” immediately connotes that we deal with “problems.” Which we do, of course. A large part of our work helps individuals deal with communication problems, and we’ll continue to do that. But what we’ve found is that most of our clients are looking for more than problem solving. They’re looking for more connection, greater opportunity, more authenticity. And “solutions” just doesn’t begin to cover that.

Not to mention that my most beloved former assistant Val, when we sat down to talk about this recently said that “solutions” sounded like….cleaning products.

Names are hard, though. Just ask my friends who are expecting their first child in March. Everyone has an opinion. And we’re sure you’ll have an opinion about our new name. No name is perfect, nor can it communicate everything you want it to. But we’re excited about our new name and hope you like it.

So what is it? Well, just like my friends are waiting until the baby is born to unveil their name, we’re waiting until our new website/brand is “born” in January to reveal it.

Stay tuned.

X-ray vision. The ability to fly. Super-human strength. Identifying a liar.

Claim any of the first three and people will think you’re crazy. Claim the last one, and you’re a body-language expert.

Pamela Myer in her recent article How To Spot a Lie, claims that anyone can spot a liar, and that, “Detecting lies, or ‘lie-spotting,’ is an essential skill for everyone to acquire, both for personal and professional reasons.”

My question is, “why?” Why is it such an essential skill to be able to spot a liar? What, exactly, are we so afraid of?

Look, I get it. No one wants to be taken advantage of. And yet people lie for a variety of reasons, many of which don’t have a single thing to do with us. Not to mention that there is no guarantee that you can even spot a liar. Research has been pretty clear that there are no tell-tale signs of lying, and even Myer admits that most of the nonverbals associated with lying–shifty eyes, stuttering, blushing–have been discredited as such.

But my biggest problem with “lie-spotting” is that it takes us away from what communication is really supposed to be about: connection. You can follow Myer’s advice and carefully observe nonverbal behavior, but what if you determine –after your thorough examination–that the person is, in fact, telling the truth? You’ll have missed out on authentic connection with the person sitting right in front of you.

We’re all hard-wired from birth to understand and interpret nonverbal cues. The problem is, we often ignore our instincts out of politeness or because we don’t want to believe that someone would lie to us. If you’re really interested in increasing your awareness to dangerous situations I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear. But nonverbal communication, at least the way I use and train in it, is something we fine tune in an effort to communicate more authentically and effectively leading to greater connection, not less.

In other words, I support a balance between trusting our instincts and giving people the benefit of the doubt. What gets under my skin is the underlying message that everyone is out to trick you. This just simply isn’t true. Life is risky. We can’t protect ourselves from everything. But we can get lost in fear, which increases the separation between us and our fellow human beings.

Which, come to think of it, might just be the biggest danger of all.

Over the past 10 years, my weight has fluctuated a ton. Okay, not a literal ton. But due to stress eating, crash dieting (avoiding both of those nowadays), and a couple of pregnancies, my wardrobe includes items that range from size 4 to size 16. Only a few pieces fit me well. 

I’ve discovered that nothing feels as comfortable or looks as good as clothes that fit.

The right color, the right style, the latest fashion or trend? Doesn’t matter. It won’t feel good or look right if it’s not the right fit.

Like clothing, we “put on” nonverbals to meet the needs of the situation. Just as you wear suitable business attire to an important meeting or court appointment, you also coordinate your nonverbals to harmonize with your circumstances and message . But not only must your nonverbals fit the conditions, they must also fit you.

Here’s the problem: We don’t always know what fits us.

As I type this blog, I keep glancing down at my size 9 sandals. I’ve worn size 9 shoes since high school. Yet I recently discovered I’m actually an 8 ½. (Don’t ask me why it took me so long to figure this out. I think I just didn’t pay much attention to what was on my feet until last year when a friend forced me to buy a pair of amazing bright red stilettos.) Now that I know what fits my foot the best, I am uncomfortable in all my size 9 shoes. Not only are they too loose, I feel like I’m wearing clown shoes.

Obviously, I need to go shopping and replace all those shoes…  But first, let me finish this blog.

One reason we don’t know what fits us is that we change. We grow, we shift, we learn. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how much we have changed and therefore aren’t aware of what fits the “new” us. For example, over the past year my husband lost 35 pounds. When we went shopping to buy him new clothes, he kept trying on clothes that were way too big! He had not yet adjusted, in his mind, to his new size.

As we grow, mature, experience new things, and take on different roles and responsibilities, our nonverbal repertoire also expands. Yet we don’t always realize our range. With training and coaching in nonverbal communication skills, we become aware of our natural patterns, discover new ways of communicating, and “try them on” to see what fits.

On the one hand, you cannot communicate effectively by “putting on” nonverbals that don’t fit you personally. On the other hand, your personal nonverbal “wardrobe” probably includes a wider variety of voice patterns, postures, gestures, and facial expressions than you are aware of. The way we communicate must be “fitting” for the situation AND it must fit us personally. Yet we won’t find all the wonderful ways of communicating that do suit us if we aren’t willing to step out of our comfort zone from time to time.

It is possible to change and adapt while staying true to the “real” you .

In the spirit of this post, I am now off to the shoe store to find size 8 ½ shoes that fit, but that also will push my limits and make my wardrobe just a little more fabulous.  Fabulous is good.

Romney vs. Perry. Courtesy of AP.

What does the above picture tell you? If you’re like me, the first time I saw it I thought:

Rick Perry: “Don’t touch me.”

Mitt Romney: “Now now. I won’t hurt you.” (Instead I’ll just cream you in the polls.)

A lot has been said about this photo in the past few days, and just this morning I read an article that talked about “classic moments” from past debates that “spoke volumes” such as when George H.W. Bush looked at his watch in a debate with Bill Clinton, indicating his boredom, or when Al Gore audibly sighed during his debate with George W. Bush.

Whether George H.W. Bush was actually bored or Al Gore was honestly irritated is besides the point. Bush could have wondered how much time he had left, or Gore could have been tired. But if that’s the case, they inadvertently communicated disrespect for their opponent, and THAT is the material point. Our intention doesn’t always match our communication, and we need to increase our awareness.

Whether Mitt Romney meant to be patronizing isn’t the question. (And whether the gesture is patronizing is a matter of debate. Many people thought it was a gesture of strength and appropriate.)  There’s no way for us to know what exactly he was thinking based on body language alone. Reading body language in isolation and drawing conclusions as to intent is just guessing.

So although I don’t agree with pronouncements as to what so-and-so meant when they did such-and-such, I will agree that nonverbal communication is powerful and it behooves us all to tune into what we’re communicating and how it’s being received.

In other words: we communicate all the time. Why not do it on purpose?