My assistant Val attended a poetry reading a few months ago and was asked by a woman what type of work she did. Val said she worked for Nonverbal Solutions, and that we train people to use nonverbal communication systematically.
The woman interrupted her and said, “Oh, so you manipulate people.”
Sigh.
I can’t say I’m surprised, although I’d love to start a workshop sometime without having to explain that what we do is nothing close to what people think we do. No, we can’t read your mind by watching your nonverbal behavior. No, we don’t train people in how to tell if someone is lying. And no, we don’t show you how to manipulate others by using secret, wildly influential nonverbal “tricks.”
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I can’t stand being called a body language expert, and you also know that I still struggle with explaining just exactly what it is that we do.
But I’m getting better.
A little over a year ago I was asked to speak for Portland Female Executives. I attended an event prior to my speaking engagement to check out the venue. The speaker spoke about passion, and at one point asked us to turn to our neighbor and share our passion. The woman I was seated next to asked me if I was passionate about nonverbal communication. Imagine my surprise when I realized my answer was…no. I left behind my career in music to devote myself full-time to nonverbal communication. How on earth could I not be passionate about it?
When I attended my first nonverbal communication workshop years ago I was surprised -just like many of my attendees now- that the information wasn’t anything like what I expected. Instead of learning isolated nonverbal cues and what they mean, we learned how nonverbal communication assists us in creating high-quality relationships. Relationships are the key to success both in the personal and professional realm, and clear, effective communication is essential for attracting, establishing and preserving relationships.
There are several ways to ensure clear communication occurs, but most programs work only with the verbal level- ignoring the nonverbal. This is unfortunate, because although it’s important to know what to say, research shows that how we say it makes a much bigger impact.
More importantly, nonverbal communication gives us insight into how others wish to be treated. Once we have that information, we can adapt our approach and meet people where they are. One of our greatest needs as humans is to be understood. Striving to understand others and communicate clearly is respectful and considerate, not manipulative.
So forgive me if my feathers get a bit ruffled when people assume we manipulate people. What we do is the exact opposite. Helping people create strong, quality relationships is what I am really passionate about. Nonverbal communication is how I choose to get there.
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