Communication Break-Down

Why is it that every time they tell us to expect snow it doesn’t happen, and then when they tell us we’ll just get a dusting, we get 6 inches?

I guess predicting the weather is a pretty complicated business.

I was thinking about that this week and how similar it is to the ability to read someone’s nonverbals.

In both cases you can have sophisticated equipment -radar and satellite in the case of weather predicting, machines that monitor heart rate, sweating and other physiological responses in the case of predicting if someone is lying- and in both cases you can be wrong.

TV shows like Lie to Me or The Mentalist rarely show the times a “read” is wrong, and so we continue to get the impression that if we just knew what to look for, we could predict how someone might act or what they might say based on their nonverbal behavior.

It reminds me of the first time I met two graduate teaching assistants I would be teaching a year-long class with at Portland State University. One exhibited closed nonverbals. She rarely offered her thoughts up in the classes we had together, she didn’t often smile, she looked down as you passed her in the hall. The other was friendly, participated in class, and smiled a lot. I immediately assumed it would be difficult to start a friendship with the first but a breeze with the second. Over the year the three of us forged a solid friendship, and I found that in the first case my fellow graduate teaching assistant was merely shy. Once you got to know her, she was friendly, chatty, and warm. The second graduate teaching assistant was friendly and outgoing, but took much longer to warm up to people. I made incorrect assumptions based on their nonverbals and first impressions.

Which really teaches us two things: 1) how powerful first impressions really are and 2) reading nonverbals in an attempt to interpret someone’s thoughts or feelings is a slippery slope.

Nonverbal communication does assist us in reading what other people need so we can better accommodate them. I’ve spent so much time warning you about the pitfalls of reading the nonverbal communication of others, you might be wondering if there’s any reason to read other people at all. A future post will focus on how to sensitively interpret what others are sending us nonverbally and what to do with that information. It’s when we pigeon-hole people based on their nonverbal behavior that we get into trouble.

For example, when lawyers hire me to assist them during jury selection, I always give the caveat that I can provide a nonverbal read of prospective jurors, but to compare it with all the other information they have. If it bolsters the case for or against a juror, great. If all information points the other way, then throw it out. More importantly, I focus on working with the lawyer. We have the most control over our own communication, and focusing there will create the biggest impact.

So the next time I hear it’s going to snow (or not snow) I’m going to take it with a grain of salt. Just like when I meet someone new. I’ll take in what they are communicating nonverbally but keep an open mind, just in case I miss something.