Communication Break-Down

Try this. Take in a little gulp of air, hold it in, tighten your chest and say, “We need everyone to come to meetings on time.” Curl your voice down at the end of the sentence. Now, breathe deeply, let the air out, and repeat the same sentence, again curling the voice down at the end. Which one sounded better?

How you use your voice affects how receptive people are to your message. People are more in-tune with a person’s voice than any other nonverbal. There are two basic voice patterns: credible, where the voice curls down at the ends of statements, and approachable, where the voice curls up at the ends of statements. Most people tend to use one or the other, but all effective people use both.

And yet sometimes when we attempt one voice pattern or another, things go wrong. For example, a person with a naturally credible voice pattern will try and use an approachable voice pattern and just end up sounding goofy. And someone with a naturally approachable voice pattern will attempt to use a credible one and end up sounding angry or impatient.

So what’s really happening? It comes down to breathing. Oftentimes my husband will object to something I’ve said and I’ll retort, “What? What did I say?” He’ll answer, “It’s not what you said, it’s your tone.” When we pair voice pattern and breathing we get tone. I can attempt to hide behind my words, but my nonverbals give me away.

There are two basic breathing types. Breathing high -where you hold your breath and take tiny gulps of air- and breathing low -where you inhale deeply and exhale all of the air out. When we pair high breathing with credible voice pattern we get an angry, impatient tone. When we pair high breathing with approachable voice pattern we get the goofy, ditzy tone.

So how does this impact your career? All nonverbally intelligent people employ both voice patterns. But unless you’re breathing well, you won’t communicate what you really mean to say. So make sure to pair low breathing with a credible voice pattern if you want to sound definitive and knowledgeable. Likewise, pair an approachable voice pattern with low breathing to sound friendly and open.

And the next time your significant other accuses you of using that tone you can smile and thank him or her for reminding you to check in with your breathing.

Next time: How breathing makes a difference in the delivery of negative information.

In my office there are two framed prints that hang on one wall. The first says Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, written in Asian-inspired font and the second says Exhale. When I bought them years ago I thought they made the perfect set. Until this morning, that is, when I was struck by a thought. Isn’t breathing, by its very definition, inhaling and exhaling? Why the need for two separate prints?

And then I laughed because if anyone needs to be reminded to exhale it’s me. My life is like one big inhale: I just keep taking things in and in and in, bearing down, gritting my teeth, thinking things like, “if it’s to be it’s up to me!” (Seriously. It takes everything I have to stop myself from having it engraved on a coffee mug.)

My chiropractor was doing some deep tissue work on me the other day and asked if the pain level was ok. I replied, “I’m fine, I can take it.” He said, “I don’t want you to ‘take it,’ I want you to let it go.” I exhaled and realized I’d been holding my breath. I thought, hmmm…I’m not so good at letting things go. I tend to view life as a big ocean of activity. I hold my breath, dive in, and rarely come up for air.

But I’m learning to let go. My business coach gave me an assignment last week: create a yes/no list. Work I would say yes to and work I would turn down. I had to clarify that I heard her right. Turn down work? Are you serious? “Have you written the book yet?” she asked.

Ok fine, I get it. I can’t do everything.

The process of breathing can teach us a lot about the process of letting go. As we inhale, oxygen is brought into the lungs where red blood cells are waiting, full of old carbon dioxide that the body’s cells have made. As they accept the oxygen, they release the carbon dioxide and it’s expelled back out into the environment.

That powerful exchange is a great metaphor for a balanced life. To get the good stuff you’ve got to let go of the bad stuff. If you don’t, you’ll literally suffocate to death. So Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, but don’t forget to Exhale.

Next Week: How breathing can make a powerful difference in your career