My friend’s husband had a birthday last month. She spent the entire day cleaning the house and preparing a special meal. Ten minutes before her husband was due home she took the garbage out to the curb. When she walked back inside the house, two walls -which a few minutes prior were crayon free- were now covered in crayon. She burst into tears. As she sat sobbing on the floor her two-year old walked over, put her face right up to hers and said, “Mama, are you breathing?”
Funny how it sometimes takes a two-year old to identify what’s really important.
It’s the same question we ask participants in our Don’t Shoot the Messenger workshop. Giving bad news is a difficult thing to do, because we inadvertently become associated in the mind of the listener with the news. So not only are we giving bad news, we become the bad guy. And as horrible as it feels to deliver a negative message, the situation only gets worse when the person receiving it goes on the attack.
When an interaction becomes volatile, we tend to hold our breath, and frantically think of what we can say to defend ourselves. We somehow get the crazy idea that we’ll be able to talk our way out of the mess we’ve unwittingly created.
It reminds me of brainstorming ideas for our company tagline. My husband said, “What about this? Keep talking, let’s see where that gets you.” I laughed at the time, but it’s actually quite apt. Oftentimes we think, “if I just keep talking I can talk my way out of this.” And yet talking often makes things worse.
What we fail to realize is that when we get upset our breathing becomes very shallow -many of us actually hold our breath. This cuts off oxygen to the brain, and instead of being responsive, we become reactive. The longer we continue to breathe high (shallow), the more upset we become.
When someone gets angry or upset, the first thing -the ONLY thing- to ask yourself is, “how am I breathing?” Because if you’re breathing low (deep), two things will happen. One, you’ll be able think more clearly and choose an appropriate response, because your brain will receive the oxygen it desperately needs to function in a conflict situation. Two, the very act of breathing will force the other person to also breathe. People take their breathing cues from us. It’s like yawning- when you see someone do it, you have an irresistible urge to do it yourself. You almost can’t help yourself.
So the next time you find yourself under attack, stop, check in with your breathing, and take a deep breath. You’ll find the interaction will go much smoother when you can answer “yes” to the question, “are you breathing?”
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