I attended a workshop last week where I saw another trainer I hadn’t seen for almost six years. We sat at the same table, and I proceeded to ask her how she was doing, compliment her outfit, and ask her opinion on what we were learning. In other words, I was nice.
Big mistake.
She barely made eye contact, and, when I asked if I could walk with her on the break, she was fairly unsuccessful at concealing her eye roll.
Am I that annoying? I wondered. Did I offend her somehow? I couldn’t figure it out. Until I got home and emailed my friend Rachel to tell her about my day, and, being the genius that she is (or perhaps I’m just dense) she said, “Perhaps you were too direct.”
Of course. Too direct! Sometimes I wonder why I even get paid to teach people this stuff. I had ignored the cardinal rule of attracting a cat- thou must be indirect.
Our Cats and Dogs workshop* is based on the analogy of household pets. Dog behavior is highly accommodating, whereas cat behavior is….not. Dogs come when they’re called. Cats….well, unless you sound like a can opener, the cat ain’t coming. And lest anyone accuse me of pigeonholing people: no one IS cat or dog. It depends on the situation, who we’re with, what we’re trying to accomplish, or all of the above. But we all have a resting place, a group of behaviors that feel most natural to us.
Dogs operate from a relationship paradigm. If you want to have a relationship with someone who operates from their dog, just be nice. Cats operate from an issue paradigm, and are not attracted by “nice” people. They like to be intrigued or teased. Think of a real cat. It is only interested in something that’s hard to get- a bouncing ball on the end of the rope, or the catnip on top of the fridge. A cat is attracted to the challenge, not the item itself.
I had been too direct. So the next morning I went in and ignored the hell out of her. I sat at a different table. I never made eye contact. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t seek her out. On the morning break as we walked in groups, she and her walking partner approached, and as we passed she waved. Progress. By the end of the afternoon she approached me, sat down and said, “So. How ARE you?”
I had to laugh as I emailed Rachel that night to report back that she had been right. I often tell the participants of our workshops to give themselves grace as they learn these skills. Now I had to give myself grace. The quest for nonverbal intelligence is never over, we have to work at it every day.
Even us “experts.” 
*Cats and Dogs is an analogy developed by Michael Grinder.
