Communication Break-Down

After speaking to a group of lawyers a few weeks ago, I received an email asking what I thought about the “mirroring technique.” For example, attorneys are told:

“When you are in voir dire, if a juror you are talking to tilts his head, tilt yours the same way. Try to mirror his body position as much as possible. And at a deposition, mirror the witness as much as you can and the witness will not know why, but the witness will like you and give you more info.”

This advice is also given to job seekers, sales people and, well, anyone interested in gaining instant “rapport.”

Here’s the deal.

We tend to mimic the body language of people we’re naturally close to. For example, if you observed me and my sister interact, you’d notice after about five or ten minutes that our body language is similar if not identical. Neither of us consciously thinks about doing this, it just happens. The thinking then goes that we can force this type of connection with strangers by mirroring their body language.

We cannot.

Mirroring is like wearing the same outfit as someone else. It provides a false sense of “we are the same.” But that doesn’t mean we don’t adapt our nonverbals to accommodate the person we’re communicating with. For example, if a person keeps the head still when speaking, curls the voice down, and gestures with palms down, this tells me they prefer to get to the “issue.” So I accommodate this need by discussing the issue while curling my voice down as well. But if someone curls the voice up or gestures with palms up this tells me they prefer to go to “relationship.” I accommodate this need by spending time getting to know them while also gesturing with my palms up or tilting my head to the side.

I adapt my communication to meet people where they are, instead of forcing a fake connection. And if what I’m doing isn’t working, I try something else. I match nonverbals not to manipulate, but to express my understanding. In other words, instead of acting as though I care, I actually care.

Authentic connection–not cheap tricks or gimmicks–leads to the rapport we seek.

Two weeks ago I spoke at an annual conference for a group consisting of the top 100 trial attorneys in the United States. Membership is invitation only. You must have one 10 million dollar verdict or three 1 million dollar verdicts to even be considered for membership.

I kept telling myself these were just regular people, and that worked, for a time. That is until I sat next to an attorney on the way back from an outing the day before my speech who, when I asked how he got to Santa Barbara for the conference answered, “On my lear jet.”

So I was a bit…(understatement of the year)…nervous.

When it came time for me to speak, I started with how the majority of “body language” stuff out there is, well, bunk. I don’t think it would be an overstatement to say that most of my audience was puzzled at my stance that reading the body language of jurors was pretty pointless. I mean, these guys (and 7 women! You GO girls…) spend thousands of dollars on consultants like myself to do just that.

But I can’t, in good faith, say that observing Juror A tap his foot, or watching Juror B tug at her hair will tell me anything meaningful in terms of the outcome of the trial. In fact, study after study have proven that juror traits and behaviors have little to do with a trial’s outcome, compared to what is under the lawyer’s control.

In other words, our own communication–something we can control–has a bigger impact on a case than carefully picking apart the body language of potential jurors.

So I stood there, and told this audience that no I won’t read the body language of jurors. But what I will do is teach you how to increase your own nonverbal intelligence. I’ll watch how you interact with the people around you–jurors, judges and counsel–and help you hone your nonverbal messages to increase receptivity. You don’t need to hire someone to be your eyes and ears nonverbally at trial, I said. Nonverbal intelligence isn’t something you can farm out.

And, well, somehow that made sense to them. Several attorneys scheduled me on the spot. More called afterwards. And I’m excited. About the work, sure. But I’m more excited to be changing the way people view and use nonverbal communication. People are sick of quick fixes and gimmicks. They’re eager to connect authentically with others. And that, as always, I’m happy to help with.

I’m on a mission to change the way we view and use nonverbal communication. Join the conversation! Visit us on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, (SariDLM) or sign up for our emails. We want to hear from you!