Communication Break-Down

X-ray vision. The ability to fly. Super-human strength. Identifying a liar.

Claim any of the first three and people will think you’re crazy. Claim the last one, and you’re a body-language expert.

Pamela Myer in her recent article How To Spot a Lie, claims that anyone can spot a liar, and that, “Detecting lies, or ‘lie-spotting,’ is an essential skill for everyone to acquire, both for personal and professional reasons.”

My question is, “why?” Why is it such an essential skill to be able to spot a liar? What, exactly, are we so afraid of?

Look, I get it. No one wants to be taken advantage of. And yet people lie for a variety of reasons, many of which don’t have a single thing to do with us. Not to mention that there is no guarantee that you can even spot a liar. Research has been pretty clear that there are no tell-tale signs of lying, and even Myer admits that most of the nonverbals associated with lying–shifty eyes, stuttering, blushing–have been discredited as such.

But my biggest problem with “lie-spotting” is that it takes us away from what communication is really supposed to be about: connection. You can follow Myer’s advice and carefully observe nonverbal behavior, but what if you determine –after your thorough examination–that the person is, in fact, telling the truth? You’ll have missed out on authentic connection with the person sitting right in front of you.

We’re all hard-wired from birth to understand and interpret nonverbal cues. The problem is, we often ignore our instincts out of politeness or because we don’t want to believe that someone would lie to us. If you’re really interested in increasing your awareness to dangerous situations I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear. But nonverbal communication, at least the way I use and train in it, is something we fine tune in an effort to communicate more authentically and effectively leading to greater connection, not less.

In other words, I support a balance between trusting our instincts and giving people the benefit of the doubt. What gets under my skin is the underlying message that everyone is out to trick you. This just simply isn’t true. Life is risky. We can’t protect ourselves from everything. But we can get lost in fear, which increases the separation between us and our fellow human beings.

Which, come to think of it, might just be the biggest danger of all.

Over the past 10 years, my weight has fluctuated a ton. Okay, not a literal ton. But due to stress eating, crash dieting (avoiding both of those nowadays), and a couple of pregnancies, my wardrobe includes items that range from size 4 to size 16. Only a few pieces fit me well. 

I’ve discovered that nothing feels as comfortable or looks as good as clothes that fit.

The right color, the right style, the latest fashion or trend? Doesn’t matter. It won’t feel good or look right if it’s not the right fit.

Like clothing, we “put on” nonverbals to meet the needs of the situation. Just as you wear suitable business attire to an important meeting or court appointment, you also coordinate your nonverbals to harmonize with your circumstances and message . But not only must your nonverbals fit the conditions, they must also fit you.

Here’s the problem: We don’t always know what fits us.

As I type this blog, I keep glancing down at my size 9 sandals. I’ve worn size 9 shoes since high school. Yet I recently discovered I’m actually an 8 ½. (Don’t ask me why it took me so long to figure this out. I think I just didn’t pay much attention to what was on my feet until last year when a friend forced me to buy a pair of amazing bright red stilettos.) Now that I know what fits my foot the best, I am uncomfortable in all my size 9 shoes. Not only are they too loose, I feel like I’m wearing clown shoes.

Obviously, I need to go shopping and replace all those shoes…  But first, let me finish this blog.

One reason we don’t know what fits us is that we change. We grow, we shift, we learn. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how much we have changed and therefore aren’t aware of what fits the “new” us. For example, over the past year my husband lost 35 pounds. When we went shopping to buy him new clothes, he kept trying on clothes that were way too big! He had not yet adjusted, in his mind, to his new size.

As we grow, mature, experience new things, and take on different roles and responsibilities, our nonverbal repertoire also expands. Yet we don’t always realize our range. With training and coaching in nonverbal communication skills, we become aware of our natural patterns, discover new ways of communicating, and “try them on” to see what fits.

On the one hand, you cannot communicate effectively by “putting on” nonverbals that don’t fit you personally. On the other hand, your personal nonverbal “wardrobe” probably includes a wider variety of voice patterns, postures, gestures, and facial expressions than you are aware of. The way we communicate must be “fitting” for the situation AND it must fit us personally. Yet we won’t find all the wonderful ways of communicating that do suit us if we aren’t willing to step out of our comfort zone from time to time.

It is possible to change and adapt while staying true to the “real” you .

In the spirit of this post, I am now off to the shoe store to find size 8 ½ shoes that fit, but that also will push my limits and make my wardrobe just a little more fabulous.  Fabulous is good.