Communication Break-Down

I attended a workshop last week where I saw another trainer I hadn’t seen for almost six years. We sat at the same table, and I proceeded to ask her how she was doing, compliment her outfit, and ask her opinion on what we were learning. In other words, I was nice.

Big mistake.

She barely made eye contact, and, when I asked if I could walk with her on the break, she was fairly unsuccessful at concealing her eye roll.

Am I that annoying? I wondered. Did I offend her somehow? I couldn’t figure it out. Until I got home and emailed my friend Rachel to tell her about my day, and, being the genius that she is (or perhaps I’m just dense) she said, “Perhaps you were too direct.”

Of course. Too direct! Sometimes I wonder why I even get paid to teach people this stuff. I had ignored the cardinal rule of attracting a cat- thou must be indirect.

Our Cats and Dogs workshop is based on the analogy of household pets. Dog behavior is highly accommodating, whereas cat behavior is….not. Dogs come when they’re called. Cats….well, unless you sound like a can opener, the cat ain’t coming. And lest anyone accuse me of pigeonholing people: no one IS cat or dog. It depends on the situation, who we’re with, what we’re trying to accomplish, or all of the above. But we all have a resting place, a group of behaviors that feel most natural to us.

Dogs operate from a relationship paradigm. If you want to have a relationship with someone who operates from their dog, just be nice. Cats operate from an issue paradigm, and are not attracted by “nice” people. They like to be intrigued or teased. Think of a real cat. It is only interested in something that’s hard to get- a bouncing ball on the end of the rope, or the catnip on top of the fridge. A cat is attracted to the challenge, not the item itself.

I had been too direct. So the next morning I went in and ignored the hell out of her. I sat at a different table. I never made eye contact. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t seek her out. On the morning break as we walked in groups, she and her walking partner approached, and as we passed she waved. Progress. By the end of the afternoon she approached me, sat down and said, “So. How ARE you?”

I had to laugh as I emailed Rachel that night to report back that she had been right. I often tell the participants of our workshops to give themselves grace as they learn these skills. Now I had to give myself grace. The quest for nonverbal intelligence is never over, we have to work at it every day.

Even us “experts.”

I am not a body language expert. And I’d very much appreciate it if you didn’t lump me in with those people. They drive me nuts.

For example, because I work in nonverbal communication, I always have to put people at ease when we first meet. People assume I read their body language and feel vulnerable and nervous. It’s no secret as to why: body language experts are everywhere these days, determining if, years ago, Bill Clinton really did have “sexual relations with that woman,” or if Katie Holmes wants out of her marriage with Tom Cruise. Even President Obama isn’t immune. A recent article claimed that a careful analysis of his body language reveals that he doesn’t care about old people. (See photo below.)

Leading the way or uncaring?

Why the fascination with body language? Can it really give us insight into the hidden motivations of others?

To understand this fascination we don’t need to look any further than our own experiences. When someone says, “I do not have a problem with you!” while avoiding eye contact, using closed body language, and appearing anxious, we don’t believe the words. What someone does always trumps what someone says. The ability to read nonverbal cues is hard-wired. We subconsciously do it all the time. So when we pick up a magazine at the gym and a body language expert is dissecting the celebrity du jour we accept it as natural, assuming we too could read the minds of celebrities if we only knew what to look for. Wouldn’t it be great if you could read the body language of your boss and find out what he or she was really thinking?

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a woman who can read lips. Once his friends find out, they all beg him to allow them to “borrow” her for an evening so they can spy on other people and find out what they are saying. Jerry agrees, only to have his hearing-impaired date misread “sweeping together” for “sleeping together.” You can imagine the outcome.

Just like lip-reading, body language can be misread. Take lying, for example. A recent Google search of “how to tell if someone is lying” returned 104,000,000 hits. FOX’s television program Lie To Me is incredibly popular with viewers, and books on lying such as, Never Be Lied to Again: How to Get the Truth in 5 minutes or Less in Any Conversation or Situation are in demand. Yet research shows that we’re not so good at being able to detect lying in others, even if we know what to look for. Robert Feldman, a professor at the University of Massachusetts, did extensive study on the role of deception in human relationships. In a recent Time magazine article, he discussed his book, The Liar in Your Life: How Lies Work and What They Tell Us About Ourselves and answered the question, “Why do we believe so many lies?” His answer: “We are not very good at detecting deception in other people. When we are trying to detect honesty, we look at the wrong kinds of nonverbal behaviors, and we misinterpret them. The problem is that there is no direct correlation between someone’s nonverbal behavior and their honesty. “Shiftiness” could also be the result of being nervous, angry, distracted or sad. Even trained interrogators [aren't] able to detect deception at [high] rates. You might as well flip a coin to determine if someone is being honest.”

So why do body language experts drive me nuts? Because they oversimplify. We cannot determine what someone thinks or feels by reading body language alone. Body language does give us insight but it doesn’t tell us everything. When making an observation we must include words, tone of voice and most importantly, context. Anything else is guessing at best, reckless at worst.

I am not a body language expert because…People magazine hasn’t agreed to the terms of my contract. Kidding, of course. I believe the real magic happens when we work with our own nonverbal communication, and strive to become more congruent, clear and effective. That’s not to say that learning to read nonverbal cues is pointless; it can be incredibly helpful as one of the skills in our communication toolbox. But I can’t say it enough: we must take all aspects of communication into consideration when evaluating and observing any interaction.

Finally, any analysis of whether or not reading body language is helpful must include a look at our motivation for wanting to do so. Here is my criteria: if having that information assists us in adapting our approach so we can accommodate the needs of others, that’s the right reason. If we’re looking for ways to manipulate or control, that’s the wrong reason.

And what about if we just want to read the minds of celebrities? I say leave that to the body language experts.