Claim any of the first three and people will think you’re crazy. Claim the last one, and you’re a body-language expert.

Pamela Myer in her recent article How To Spot a Lie, claims that anyone can spot a liar, and that, “Detecting lies, or ‘lie-spotting,’ is an essential skill for everyone to acquire, both for personal and professional reasons.”

My question is, “why?” Why is it such an essential skill to be able to spot a liar? What, exactly, are we so afraid of?

Look, I get it. No one wants to be taken advantage of. And yet people lie for a variety of reasons, many of which don’t have a single thing to do with us. Not to mention that there is no guarantee that you can even spot a liar. Research has been pretty clear that there are no tell-tale signs of lying, and even Myer admits that most of the nonverbals associated with lying–shifty eyes, stuttering, blushing–have been discredited as such.

But my biggest problem with “lie-spotting” is that it takes us away from what communication is really supposed to be about: connection. You can follow Myer’s advice and carefully observe nonverbal behavior, but what if you determine –after your thorough examination–that the person is, in fact, telling the truth? You’ll have missed out on authentic connection with the person sitting right in front of you.

We’re all hard-wired from birth to understand and interpret nonverbal cues. The problem is, we often ignore our instincts out of politeness or because we don’t want to believe that someone would lie to us. If you’re really interested in increasing your awareness to dangerous situations I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear. But nonverbal communication, at least the way I use and train in it, is something we fine tune in an effort to communicate more authentically and effectively leading to greater connection, not less.

In other words, I support a balance between trusting our instincts and giving people the benefit of the doubt. What gets under my skin is the underlying message that everyone is out to trick you. This just simply isn’t true. Life is risky. We can’t protect ourselves from everything. But we can get lost in fear, which increases the separation between us and our fellow human beings.

Which, come to think of it, might just be the biggest danger of all.

Really?

I work with a lot of trial attorneys, and I can say, without hesitation, that of ALL of the things lawyers have to do and think about during trial, “smelling jurors” is not at the top of the list.

And yet, I get it. There is a deep seated need to put our hands on some sort of a “formula” that can, if not guarantee us results, at least predispose them in our favor.

The number one thing a trial attorney needs in court (or anyone looking to improve their communication, really) is the ability to adapt in the moment. And therein lies the problem: when we buy into a “formula” we stop being aware, and it all goes downhill.

It feels “safer” to believe that there’s only one way to conduct voir dire, opening statements or cross examination, but the truth of the matter is, (as Rick Friedman points out in his book On Becoming a Trial Lawyer) if you’re looking for safety, you’re in the wrong profession.

Increase your nonverbal intelligence and you’ll increase your success in the courtroom or anywhere else. Why nonverbal communication? Because it’s observable. If you want to get good at adapting to your circumstances, you have to be aware of what’s going on around you. To do that, you need to be able to observe something.

And no, it’s not random body language or body odor. (May I just register my creeped-outness here?) I’m not suggesting you watch other people’s body language and hallucinate (because that’s really what you’ll end up doing) about what they might be thinking or feeling. What I am suggesting is that you start to notice, as I mentioned in my last blog, how people are responding to what you’re doing, and adapt your communication based on that information.

What someone’s body odor communicates–outside of the fact that they might need to take a shower–is beyond me, but smell away, if you must.

On second thought, please don’t.

“Who am I?” I replied, incredulous. “Don’t make me stab you in the eye with this pen,” I said.

(MJ reassures me this is a common reaction to this question.)

Seriously, though. Isn’t this a question we all struggle with our entire lives? Who the heck knows “who they are?” What does that even mean?

(For those of you hoping to never answer that question, I strongly advise you to avoid the rebrand process.)

I’m happy to report, however, that several weeks in, I’m much clearer. And I have yet to stab anyone. (Regarding rebranding at least.) I can now answer, when anyone asks what Nonverbal Solutions does, that: We help people communicate authentically. This, unfortunately, isn’t the typical message associated with nonverbal communication.

For example, a lot of “body language” stuff out there revolves around how to get other people to do what you want. Whether it’s “create instant rapport!” or ” learn how to detect lying!” or in the legal field, “identify dangerous jurors!” the claim is that by learning to read and use body language you can manipulate a situation or person to your advantage.

This is unequivocally a misuse of nonverbal communication. (And makes me get all stabby again. Someone take my pens away.) People can sniff out manipulation or inauthenticity a mile away. So not only is it an abuse, it’s a waste.

People respond to authenticity. Yet we often carry around stories about who we think we should be, or how we think we should act, and end up putting on some sort of “show.” These stories get communicated through our nonverbals, even if we aren’t aware of it. That’s why it’s pointless to coach someone how to communicate they’re the best person for the job, when they don’t actually believe they’re the best person for the job. Nonverbal “techniques” don’t make a bit of difference in an interview (or a courtroom, boardroom or classroom) if the message the person is trying to communicate isn’t authentic.

Nonverbal communication assists us in becoming more authentic in two ways: 1) It helps us identify the stories we inadvertently communicate nonverbally and, 2) once we align with our authentic message, assists us in communicating that message in the most clear way possible.

So who am I? I’m authentic. At least I strive to be on a daily basis. And I’m on a mission to assist others in being more authentic too. I invite you to join me.

P.S. We’re working hard to design a website that more accurately conveys our message of authentic communication. Target date: November 2011. Sign up for email alerts to see the finished product!

A year and a half ago in my first blog post, I explained how I wasn’t a body language expert. Seems the word still hasn’t gotten out.

I got a call from my business manager Sunday asking if I’d like to be on television that afternoon. Turns out a local station was hoping I could read Congressman David Wu’s body language as he gave an interview about the departure of almost half his staff due to his rumored mental health issues.

“What’s their intended outcome?” I asked Corey. “I don’t know,” he said, “they just want you at the station in a few hours.”

I declined.

Reading the body language of someone who is in the midst of a personal and professional crisis is an inappropriate use of my skills and poor representation of what I really do. No, I don’t want to read David Wu’s body language, nor Tiger Woods (which I’ve been asked to do) nor recent Oscar winner Colin Firth..well wait. Perhaps I’d be willing to do that. I’d take any chance to dissect Colin’s body, uh, language, especially that pond scene in Pride and Prejudice, when he dives in and emerges dripping wet…

But I digress.

Reading body language of a politician, celebrity, or potential juror is futile. It’s nothing short of hallucinating. We tend to watch people and make up stories as to what’s going on inside their heads, and oftentimes we’re wrong. It would be irresponsible of me to train others to watch for specific cues and attach meaning, when we can’t possibly know for sure what someone is thinking or feeling by watching nonverbal behavior. The only nonverbal behavior we can control is our own.

Does that mean it’s pointless to observe the nonverbal communication of those we’re communicating with? Absolutely not. But here’s the question we should always be asking ourselves: what effect does my nonverbal behavior have on someone else? In other words, to become nonverbally intelligent, we increase awareness of what we and others communicate nonverbally, so we can adapt our approach. If I communicate one way and notice the other person remains unreceptive, I switch and try something else. This isn’t because I hope to manipulate- it’s because I want good communication to happen.

Because I’m not personally sitting down with Congressman Wu, nor Mr. Woods, what they’re communicating nonverbally is of very limited use to me. Do I still observe? Yes, we can’t help but do so since nonverbal communication is such a large part of any message. But to draw conclusions based on such limited information is reckless at best.

So although I’m glad people think of me when they think of nonverbal communication, I hope that we can begin a new conversation about its usefulness and turn the focus on ourselves where it belongs.

Unless someone needs a read on Colin Firth. Then I’m up for it.

Update: We’ve extended the early-bird registration price for our new workshop The Language of Leadership. Register at: www.nonverbalsolutions.com by this Friday, March 4th, to receive the discount.

Big mistake.

She barely made eye contact, and, when I asked if I could walk with her on the break, she was fairly unsuccessful at concealing her eye roll.

Am I that annoying? I wondered. Did I offend her somehow? I couldn’t figure it out. Until I got home and emailed my friend Rachel to tell her about my day, and, being the genius that she is (or perhaps I’m just dense) she said, “Perhaps you were too direct.”

Of course. Too direct! Sometimes I wonder why I even get paid to teach people this stuff. I had ignored the cardinal rule of attracting a cat- thou must be indirect.

Our Cats and Dogs workshop* is based on the analogy of household pets. Dog behavior is highly accommodating, whereas cat behavior is….not. Dogs come when they’re called. Cats….well, unless you sound like a can opener, the cat ain’t coming. And lest anyone accuse me of pigeonholing people: no one IS cat or dog. It depends on the situation, who we’re with, what we’re trying to accomplish, or all of the above. But we all have a resting place, a group of behaviors that feel most natural to us.

Dogs operate from a relationship paradigm. If you want to have a relationship with someone who operates from their dog, just be nice. Cats operate from an issue paradigm, and are not attracted by “nice” people. They like to be intrigued or teased. Think of a real cat. It is only interested in something that’s hard to get- a bouncing ball on the end of the rope, or the catnip on top of the fridge. A cat is attracted to the challenge, not the item itself.

I had been too direct. So the next morning I went in and ignored the hell out of her. I sat at a different table. I never made eye contact. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t seek her out. On the morning break as we walked in groups, she and her walking partner approached, and as we passed she waved. Progress. By the end of the afternoon she approached me, sat down and said, “So. How ARE you?”

I had to laugh as I emailed Rachel that night to report back that she had been right. I often tell the participants of our workshops to give themselves grace as they learn these skills. Now I had to give myself grace. The quest for nonverbal intelligence is never over, we have to work at it every day.

Even us “experts.”

*Cats and Dogs is an analogy developed by Michael Grinder.

For example, because I work in nonverbal communication, I always have to put people at ease when we first meet. People assume I read their body language and feel vulnerable and nervous. It’s no secret as to why: body language experts are everywhere these days, determining if, years ago, Bill Clinton really did have “sexual relations with that woman,” or if Katie Holmes wants out of her marriage with Tom Cruise. Even President Obama isn’t immune. A recent article claimed that a careful analysis of his body language reveals that he doesn’t care about old people. (See photo below.)

Leading the way or uncaring?

Why the fascination with body language? Can it really give us insight into the hidden motivations of others?

To understand this fascination we don’t need to look any further than our own experiences. When someone says, “I do not have a problem with you!” while avoiding eye contact, using closed body language, and appearing anxious, we don’t believe the words. What someone does always trumps what someone says. The ability to read nonverbal cues is hard-wired. We subconsciously do it all the time. So when we pick up a magazine at the gym and a body language expert is dissecting the celebrity du jour we accept it as natural, assuming we too could read the minds of celebrities if we only knew what to look for. Wouldn’t it be great if you could read the body language of your boss and find out what he or she was really thinking?

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a woman who can read lips. Once his friends find out, they all beg him to allow them to “borrow” her for an evening so they can spy on other people and find out what they are saying. Jerry agrees, only to have his hearing-impaired date misread “sweeping together” for “sleeping together.” You can imagine the outcome.

Just like lip-reading, body language can be misread. Take lying, for example. A recent Google search of “how to tell if someone is lying” returned 104,000,000 hits. FOX’s television program Lie To Me is incredibly popular with viewers, and books on lying such as, Never Be Lied to Again: How to Get the Truth in 5 minutes or Less in Any Conversation or Situation are in demand. Yet research shows that we’re not so good at being able to detect lying in others, even if we know what to look for. Robert Feldman, a professor at the University of Massachusetts, did extensive study on the role of deception in human relationships. In a recent Time magazine article, he discussed his book, The Liar in Your Life: How Lies Work and What They Tell Us About Ourselves and answered the question, “Why do we believe so many lies?” His answer: “We are not very good at detecting deception in other people. When we are trying to detect honesty, we look at the wrong kinds of nonverbal behaviors, and we misinterpret them. The problem is that there is no direct correlation between someone’s nonverbal behavior and their honesty. “Shiftiness” could also be the result of being nervous, angry, distracted or sad. Even trained interrogators [aren't] able to detect deception at [high] rates. You might as well flip a coin to determine if someone is being honest.”

So why do body language experts drive me nuts? Because they oversimplify. We cannot determine what someone thinks or feels by reading body language alone. Body language does give us insight but it doesn’t tell us everything. When making an observation we must include words, tone of voice and most importantly, context. Anything else is guessing at best, reckless at worst.

I am not a body language expert because…People magazine hasn’t agreed to the terms of my contract. Kidding, of course. I believe the real magic happens when we work with our own nonverbal communication, and strive to become more congruent, clear and effective. That’s not to say that learning to read nonverbal cues is pointless; it can be incredibly helpful as one of the skills in our communication toolbox. But I can’t say it enough: we must take all aspects of communication into consideration when evaluating and observing any interaction.

Finally, any analysis of whether or not reading body language is helpful must include a look at our motivation for wanting to do so. Here is my criteria: if having that information assists us in adapting our approach so we can accommodate the needs of others, that’s the right reason. If we’re looking for ways to manipulate or control, that’s the wrong reason.

And what about if we just want to read the minds of celebrities? I say leave that to the body language experts.