Communication Break-Down

My friend’s husband had a birthday last month. She spent the entire day cleaning the house and preparing a special meal. Ten minutes before her husband was due home she took the garbage out to the curb. When she walked back inside the house, two walls -which a few minutes prior were crayon free- were now covered in crayon. She burst into tears. As she sat sobbing on the floor her two-year old walked over, put her face right up to hers and said, “Mama, are you breathing?”

Funny how it sometimes takes a two-year old to identify what’s really important.

It’s the same question we ask participants in our Don’t Shoot the Messenger workshop. Giving bad news is a difficult thing to do, because we inadvertently become associated in the mind of the listener with the news. So not only are we giving bad news, we become the bad guy. And as horrible as it feels to deliver a negative message, the situation only gets worse when the person receiving it goes on the attack.

When an interaction becomes volatile, we tend to hold our breath, and frantically think of what we can say to defend ourselves. We somehow get the crazy idea that we’ll be able to talk our way out of the mess we’ve unwittingly created.

It reminds me of brainstorming ideas for our company tagline. My husband said, “What about this? Keep talking, let’s see where that gets you.” I laughed at the time, but it’s actually quite apt. Oftentimes we think, “if I just keep talking I can talk my way out of this.” And yet talking often makes things worse.

What we fail to realize is that when we get upset our breathing becomes very shallow -many of us actually hold our breath. This cuts off oxygen to the brain, and instead of being responsive, we become reactive. The longer we continue to breathe high (shallow), the more upset we become.

When someone gets angry or upset, the first thing -the ONLY thing- to ask yourself is, “how am I breathing?” Because if you’re breathing low (deep), two things will happen. One, you’ll be able think more clearly and choose an appropriate response, because your brain will receive the oxygen it desperately needs to function in a conflict situation. Two, the very act of breathing will force the other person to also breathe. People take their breathing cues from us. It’s like yawning- when you see someone do it, you have an irresistible urge to do it yourself. You almost can’t help yourself.

So the next time you find yourself under attack, stop, check in with your breathing, and take a deep breath. You’ll find the interaction will go much smoother when you can answer “yes” to the question, “are you breathing?”

Try this. Take in a little gulp of air, hold it in, tighten your chest and say, “We need everyone to come to meetings on time.” Curl your voice down at the end of the sentence. Now, breathe deeply, let the air out, and repeat the same sentence, again curling the voice down at the end. Which one sounded better?

How you use your voice affects how receptive people are to your message. People are more in-tune with a person’s voice than any other nonverbal. There are two basic voice patterns: credible, where the voice curls down at the ends of statements, and approachable, where the voice curls up at the ends of statements. Most people tend to use one or the other, but all effective people use both.

And yet sometimes when we attempt one voice pattern or another, things go wrong. For example, a person with a naturally credible voice pattern will try and use an approachable voice pattern and just end up sounding goofy. And someone with a naturally approachable voice pattern will attempt to use a credible one and end up sounding angry or impatient.

So what’s really happening? It comes down to breathing. Oftentimes my husband will object to something I’ve said and I’ll retort, “What? What did I say?” He’ll answer, “It’s not what you said, it’s your tone.” When we pair voice pattern and breathing we get tone. I can attempt to hide behind my words, but my nonverbals give me away.

There are two basic breathing types. Breathing high -where you hold your breath and take tiny gulps of air- and breathing low -where you inhale deeply and exhale all of the air out. When we pair high breathing with credible voice pattern we get an angry, impatient tone. When we pair high breathing with approachable voice pattern we get the goofy, ditzy tone.

So how does this impact your career? All nonverbally intelligent people employ both voice patterns. But unless you’re breathing well, you won’t communicate what you really mean to say. So make sure to pair low breathing with a credible voice pattern if you want to sound definitive and knowledgeable. Likewise, pair an approachable voice pattern with low breathing to sound friendly and open.

And the next time your significant other accuses you of using that tone you can smile and thank him or her for reminding you to check in with your breathing.

Next time: How breathing makes a difference in the delivery of negative information.

In my office there are two framed prints that hang on one wall. The first says Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, written in Asian-inspired font and the second says Exhale. When I bought them years ago I thought they made the perfect set. Until this morning, that is, when I was struck by a thought. Isn’t breathing, by its very definition, inhaling and exhaling? Why the need for two separate prints?

And then I laughed because if anyone needs to be reminded to exhale it’s me. My life is like one big inhale: I just keep taking things in and in and in, bearing down, gritting my teeth, thinking things like, “if it’s to be it’s up to me!” (Seriously. It takes everything I have to stop myself from having it engraved on a coffee mug.)

My chiropractor was doing some deep tissue work on me the other day and asked if the pain level was ok. I replied, “I’m fine, I can take it.” He said, “I don’t want you to ‘take it,’ I want you to let it go.” I exhaled and realized I’d been holding my breath. I thought, hmmm…I’m not so good at letting things go. I tend to view life as a big ocean of activity. I hold my breath, dive in, and rarely come up for air.

But I’m learning to let go. My business coach gave me an assignment last week: create a yes/no list. Work I would say yes to and work I would turn down. I had to clarify that I heard her right. Turn down work? Are you serious? “Have you written the book yet?” she asked.

Ok fine, I get it. I can’t do everything.

The process of breathing can teach us a lot about the process of letting go. As we inhale, oxygen is brought into the lungs where red blood cells are waiting, full of old carbon dioxide that the body’s cells have made. As they accept the oxygen, they release the carbon dioxide and it’s expelled back out into the environment.

That powerful exchange is a great metaphor for a balanced life. To get the good stuff you’ve got to let go of the bad stuff. If you don’t, you’ll literally suffocate to death. So Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, but don’t forget to Exhale.

Next Week: How breathing can make a powerful difference in your career