Communication Break-Down

Whether or not you participate in the upcoming holiday season, the end of the year impacts our entire culture. For many, it is a time of joy and fun. Yet, it also brings some added STRESS. At the mall last week I was struck by the number of people I heard say, “I’m soooo tired!” Businesses must meet the demands of increased sales, traffic, and communication as year-end deadlines loom. Everything gets kicked up a notch during the last month of the year, and that pressure can spill over into our relationships.

At Nonverbal Solutions, we strive to improve business and personal relationships by making communication safe. When defending ourselves, we can’t think creatively and process logically. In essence, we can’t hear and we can’t speak. Our nonverbal communication strategies—such as systematic use of eye contact, employing appropriate voice patterns, or effective handling of location—increase clarity, depersonalize conflict, and reduce tension.

Many of these techniques, however, come down to the ability to breathe.

Another sales associate just called in sick? Breathe. Your website just went down? Breathe. Your wife is upset over the number of hours you’re working? Breathe.

You’ll think better.

You’ll feel better.

You’ll communicate better.

A few weeks ago I was assisting a legal team during a trial. The day before opening statements we received a brand new piece of discovery which made the opposing side look very bad. As we walked into the courtroom the following morning the paralegal took me aside and said, “Peter* is planning on nailing the opposing counsel during his opening statement with the news we got yesterday. He’s really going to let them have it. What do you think?”

I said, “It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what the jury thinks.”

We’re often so involved in what we’re going to say (content) and how we’re going to say it (delivery) that we forget the most important part of communication: how people will receive it (reception).

It makes sense, really. You can plan your content and practice your delivery, but you can’t know how people are going to receive your message until you’re in the act of delivering it. Not to mention most of us don’t know how to gauge how our message is being received, or what we can do differently if it isn’t being received well. We tend to think, “I’ll do the best I can, and then deal with people’s reactions afterwards.”

There’s a better way. Two ways, actually.

1) Increase your awareness, and

2) adapt your approach.

Nonverbal intelligence allows you to do both. If I know what to look for, I can watch carefully as I deliver my message and gauge the response. If I’m not getting the response I was hoping for, I can change what I’m doing.

For example, if Peter began his opening statement with the inflammatory information and the members of the jury pulled their heads back, shoulders up, and sat rigidly upright (a sign that people have stopped breathing), he could take that information as a sign that his listeners were not open to his “nail the opposing side” message. He could then drop his eyes and hands, walk to a new spot (while breathing) and continue with a softer approach.

The point is, it isn’t enough to know your content and deliver it well. You must always have an “eye” on your listener if you want to be successful.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

A few months ago I was driving to speak at an event I had titled “The Art of Being Out of Control.” As I sat waiting at a stoplight I reached into my purse and pulled out my MAC lipstick. I must have grabbed an old lipstick because I didn’t recognize the color right away. I turned the tube upside down to read the name:

High Strung.

This is funny if you know me even a little bit. Let’s just say that I am a “recovering” control freak. I had issues. Even my issues had issues.

I’m all better now, thank you for asking.

If we’re being honest though, I think we all have some control issues. Particularly around outcomes. My work is a great example: people often want to learn nonverbal “techniques” so they can get people to do what they want. In other words, they want a particular outcome.

What I’ve come to realize over the years is that the most effective communicators, leaders, etc, are people who switch from outcome-oriented thinking to option-oriented thinking. Instead of asking, “How do I get X to do Y?” they ask, “What are all the options here?” Nonverbal intelligence not only allows us to identify the various options available, it assists us in communicating effectively based on those options.

For example, if I need to fire someone, I can make up a story ahead of time about how I think they’ll react, how upset they’ll be, what a mess this is…. and boom! I walk into the meeting in fight or flight mode which my employee will naturally react to. If however, I focus on my breathing so that I remain calm, I can stay present to whatever happens. If my employee becomes angry, I can deal with it. But it might also be that they’re relieved, because they’d heard rumors, or perhaps they were dying to leave and are thrilled to be offered a severance package. The point is, I don’t know what will happen. But if I focus on one outcome–this person will become upset–I breathe high, cutting off oxygen to my brain and I lose all my resourcefulness. Instead, if I stay present and respond based on what is actually happening in the moment, I can better serve my employee, myself, and the needs of the situation.

Anyone can be “out of control.” The art of being out of control is letting go of our attachment to outcomes and instead opening ourselves up to possibility.

Perhaps you’ve heard the adage, “You can choose your friends, but not your family.” In an office environment, the same can be true for coworkers. Sometimes you must work closely with difficult people. And even if you love your coworkers like family, the more time you spend with someone, the chance for conflict to arise increases.

Over a month ago, I came across an online article titled “Office Conflict Resolution: 11 Communication Tips for a Healthy Workplace.” Tip #3 caught my attention: Depersonalize Conflicts. Immediately, I began writing a blog on the subject.

Why did it take a month to complete? Because it’s a huge topic, and can’t be covered in a single blog. Maybe not even in a series of blogs. At Nonverbal Solutions we offer an entire workshop on how to deliver negative information without becoming the bad guy (Don’t Shoot the Messenger) and another whole workshop on dealing with difficult personalities and behaviors (Cats & Dogs).

I can’t, however, just let the topic lie.

Though some personalities enjoy and invite conflict, most of us find it stressful to navigate. And despite our best efforts, a negative exchange can easily escalate into an ugly altercation. Why?

1. When we feel threatened, we go into a “fight-or-flight” response.
2. In fight-or-flight, the “thinking” part of our brain (the cortex) shuts down and the “emotional/survival” part of the brain (the limbic system) takes over. We react instinctively, instead of thinking rationally.
3. This hinders our ability to learn new things or creatively problem-solve.
4. More importantly (in terms of nonverbal communication), when we go into fight-or-flight we send the message that we are attached to the issue and take the disagreement personally.
5. The person we are in conflict with senses this and gears up for a defensive maneuver or battle.

How do we communicate that we’re in fight-or-flight? By rapid, shallow breathing. When we’re in state of stress, we breathe more quickly to get oxygen to our muscles so that we can—you guessed it!—fight or fly. And while most people won’t consciously notice breathing patterns in others, they will pick up on a general feeling of discomfort and anxiety. That in turn makes them uncomfortable and anxious. They, then, don’t feel safe. They also go into fight-or-flight. Now everyone in the room’s muscles are ready for action… and everyone’s brains are shut down.

B r e a t h e.

Physiologically, breathing gets oxygen to your brain so you can think more clearly. Nonverbally, it communicates that you are safe, unattached, and capable of rational thought. It tells others that they are safe with you; this isn’t personal. Numerous other tips—such as effective use of visual information, timely use of eye contact, and proper body positioning—will help too, but only when paired with deep, slow, relaxed breathing. 

So take a nice, deep breath the next time you’re facing a difficult situation—you’ll think better, you’ll feel better, and so will everyone else.

When you see a Stop sign, what do you do? Stop? Really?

Yesterday morning, I came to a four-way stop in my local shopping center parking lot as I cruised toward Target, the first of about forty-seven stops on a busy errand-running day. The van ahead of me turned right; as I turned after her, a police car surprised me by zipping around out of an empty parking lot right in front of me. I was even more surprised when its lights came on.

I’ll never know for sure why Van Lady was pulled over, but the thought occurred to me: I bet, like me, she breezed right through that Stop sign.

I mean, really. Who stops? Completely? (Especially if you’re turning right and you see no cars—come on, admit it!) Unless you recently graduated from driving school and feel smug and self-righteous about your superior skills and etiquette (I’m ashamed to say, that was me at 15: “Mom! You didn’t signal!”), chances are you see Stop signs more as Slow-Down Signs. In driving school they referred to “not stops” as California Stops. 

The thing is, we also talk this way. We’re so interested in getting from Point A to Point B verbally, that wemashallourwordstogetherwithouteverpausingortakingabreath.

Hard to read? Guess what—it’s hard to listen to, too.

Pausing when we speak compares to traffic control. By pausing, we control the flow of traffic (words), we give ourselves a chance to assess the situation and change direction if need be, and we keep ourselves and other participants safe by allowing everyone to breathe. 

When we pepper our speech with appropriate pauses—whether in a one-on-one exchange or when presenting to thousands of people—we dramatically increase the chance for clear communication to occur. With pauses:

• we can hold attention
• others can listen more easily
• the message has a chance to sink in
• everyone thinks more rationally—breathing gets oxygen to the brain, which (surprise!) makes it function better.

So no California Stops! Well, when it comes to communicating, that is. You may also want to avoid them when driving through the Tanasbourne Town Center though, since that police car went right back to the empty parking lot with full view of the four way stop once Van Lady drove off.

My three-year-old daughter, after a late night partying with the grandparents, followed me around the house the other day like a lost puppy. She fussed. She clung. She threw temper tantrums over every little thing. In essence, she drove me crazy.

“Mama,” she whined, halfway through the morning, “I want milk!”

Petulant. Sniffling. Fretful.

I sighed. “Babe,” I told her, “take a couple deep breaths and ask again. Get that ‘whine’ out of your voice!”

Remarkably, she did.

I think she sensed that if one of us didn’t immediately start some deep breathing techniques, things would get ugly. She inhaled and exhaled, each time a little more smoothly than before. Then she asked, in a perfectly pleasant voice, as if it had been a perfectly pleasant morning, “Mama, may I please have some milk?” And suddenly my day got 100% brighter.

That is the power of nonverbal communication: The power to keep exasperated parents from strangling their children.

Joking aside, nonverbal communication can preserve lives (ask a law enforcement officer who has had to “talk” someone out of a dangerous situation) as well as change lives (ask, well, anyone whose life has been changed by NVC, like me!).  Some view it as an intriguing “secret language” that brings perceptiveness to interpersonal exchanges and relationships. But beyond that, it imparts the ability to say what you want to say and be who you really are in the most clear and appropriate way. That’s why I’m fascinated by and in love with this subject!

I welcome the opportunity to coach for Sari de la Motte and Nonverbal Solutions. This company is my baby, too! Sari and I have discussed, debated, observed, analyzed, and marveled over communication principles since long before Nonverbal Solutions existed. I’m delighted to be taking over most of the coaching department and can’t wait to share my enthusiasm, along with practical tips and insights, with others who love the subject and want to improve their communication skills.

If I can teach a three-year-old to make a request without whining (at least, it happened once—since then, when I tell her to take a couple deep breaths, she responds with, “But Mama, I don’t want to breathe!”), I can help any willing adult become a more effective communicator.

Looking forward to it.

P.S. Being new to this venue, now that I’ve introduced myself, I’d love to hear from you, too! Leave a comment below and let me know what fascinates you about nonverbal communication.

If I asked you to act surprised right now, what would you do? Most of us would inhale sharply, pulling our head and shoulders back, and hold our breath. And that’s the problem. When we’re surprised, we trip the sympathetic nervous system activating our fight or flight response. Instead of being responsive we become reactive, and we simply don’t communicate well.

But you can’t help being surprised, right?

If you’re my husband, probably not. I have this really sadistic sense of humor and enjoy jumping out and scaring him whenever possible.

But outside of evil spouses, spiders and mice, I think a lot of our surprise is self-created.

It’s due, I think, to our expectations. We often create, ahead of time, a mental image about how things will be, or worse -how things should be- and then when life doesn’t conform to the fantasy we’ve created we end up surprised.

One way of dealing with surprise is to label- the more we know ahead of time, the less surprised, right? This happens whenever I trot out the cats and dogs analogy in one of my workshops. People immediately want to label themselves or others “cat” or “dog” and I can see why. It gives us a sense of control if we know what to expect. The problem is that people don’t stay in the neat little boxes we create- including ourselves.

No, the only way to reduce our surprise is to be present, -truly present- in the moment and adapt our behavior to the situation we’re facing. We can label behavior to assist us in knowing what might be helpful in various interactions, but labeling people just allows us to drop our awareness- if we label someone, we can stop thinking.

Nonverbal intelligence is what allows us to remain present. We’re rarely caught off guard because we don’t hold preconceived ideas of how people will or should act. Instead, we watch carefully and adjust so good communication can happen. When we reduce our surprise, we remain rational and calm, two ingredients essential for any successful exchange.

Last week I published a blog on the five things you might be doing to annoy your co-workers. Several people asked me what to do if you were on the receiving end of the annoyance, so here ya go:

1. Talking too loud. There isn’t much you can do about a loud talker. Loud talkers are notoriously unaware. Unfortunately, the only way to bring it to their attention is to point it out to them. Once, my husband and I were breakfasting in a cafe and the gentleman next to us was speaking so loudly, we literally couldn’t hold a conversation. To my husband’s horror, I leaned over and asked the gentleman if he could lower his voice. He flushed from his neck to his temples, apologized profusely and said he hadn’t realized he’d been talking so loud. Not every interaction will go as well as this one, but if you try, you’ll at least make them aware of the problem. Just be nice. It helps to say it as though you assume they don’t know they are annoying the heck out of everyone around them.

2. Talking too fast. This too, is hard to correct, so your job is to continually ask the person to repeat themselves since you didn’t catch half of what they said. “What? I didn’t catch that.” “What? I didn’t catch that.” “What?…” and then send them to me for coaching.

3. Talking too much. This I can help you with. The number one way to stop an incessant talker is to go visual. If you are conducting a meeting, and the person continues to pipe up, looping the conversation back to subjects already covered in depth, write down what they are saying. Then turn, looking at the incessant talker and ask, “is what you’re saying,” -turning to the visual- “any different than this?” Continue to look at the visual, because if you look back at the person, the verbal diarrhea will start up again. It’s very difficult to argue with something that isn’t looking or talking to you.

4. Talking incongruently. Most of us aren’t aware of our own voice patterns so this is less annoying than inefficient. Focus on using your own voice congruently. Sure, it will begin to annoy you as you hear others who don’t follow this rule, but your success will continue to increase, so who cares!

5. Talking at all. One more skill for those of you dealing with the incessant talker. It’s what I like to call the polite way to interrupt. Ever been in those meetings where the IT (incessant talker) goes on and on and on, and no one knows how to jump in because they’re afraid of ruffling feathers? Here’s what you do. The next time IT begins to take over the meeting, put your hand out in front of you, palm down, freeze the gesture, and curling the voice down, loudly say, “I think,” (or whatever phrase you’d like to use) and then stop. If you were loud enough, the IT will stop talking and everyone will turn to look at you. (Hopefully you’re ok with the attention.) Pause. This is very important. Since you spoke loudly, you’ve shocked everyone, which means they aren’t breathing. You don’t want to say anything until you’ve paused and breathed. This will force everyone in the room to breathe as well. After pausing, then curl your voice up, turn the palm up, and in a soft voice, repeat, “I think,” and continue with your sentence. The change in nonverbals (credible voice to approachable voice) along with the pause will cause amnesia, allowing you to redirect the meeting.

Difficult skill to write about, but it works like a charm.

Hope this helps, I’ll be writing more on workplace issues in the months to come, thanks for stopping by.

Last month Val told me she was leaving. She wanted to focus on teaching, and realized that although she had helped bring Nonverbal Solutions this far, it was now time for something -and someone- new.

“You’ll be fine,” she said as I practically sobbed at the news. “No I won’t!” I wailed. How would I be fine? Until Val came along, I had been alone and doing everything myself. She had come into my life and made work fun again. She was my confidante, my go-to person, and the voice I heard on the phone every morning. Nonverbal Solutions wouldn’t be where it was today without her.

Eventually I decided to get my big girl pants on, and get to finding a business and marketing manager. So I did what most businesses do these days and put an ad on craigslist. I figured with the terrible job market, I’d have a ton of qualified candidates knocking on my door.

Boy, was I wrong.

So if you’re looking for a job, a few do’s and don’ts from a prospective employer:

Don’t ignore the requests in the ad. Over 75% of people either didn’t send a cover letter (something I requested) or if they did- didn’t answer the questions asked in the ad. Those resumes didn’t even get a second look. Your resume is a marketing tool. It must sell you in three seconds or less. If you can’t be bothered to follow instructions, then don’t bother applying at all.

Do your research. The job applicants I considered went to my website, referenced it in the cover letter, gave specific ideas about how they would be a good fit, and gave an example of something creative they would try if they got the job. Tailoring your cover letter to the organization you are applying for goes a long way, especially with entrepreneurs like myself.

Don’t mismatch with your interviewer. Interviewers fall into one of two camps: people-oriented or issue-oriented. People-oriented interviewers will smile, engage in small talk, and use approachable body language. They are interested in hiring someone who works well with others. Issue-oriented interviewers won’t smile much, talk less, and use credible body language. Their primary concern is if you possess the skills for the job. Too much small talk and smiling signals the issue-oriented interviewer that you aren’t credible. Not smiling enough and no small talk signals the people-oriented interviewer that you aren’t approachable. Match your style to the interviewer’s because research shows that people hire people who are like them.

Do ask questions that will allow you to position yourself as the ideal candidate. An interview is when we are peppered with questions and evaluated on our answers, right? Wrong. Savvy job-seekers will also ask questions of their interviewers. And not the typical questions -questions which should be strenuously avoided, by the way- such as, “do I have to work on weekends?” or, “what kind of benefits are included?” No, smart job-seekers will pose questions that allow them to position themselves as the ideal candidate. Asking, “What would be your ideal match for this position?” gives you insight into what the interviewer is looking for and allows you to sell yourself as the best fit for the position.

Don’t assume the interview has anything to do with your skills and talents. If someone has taken the time to interview you, they’ve already determined you are qualified for the position. An interview isn’t the start of the hiring process, it’s the end. The resume, your references, the initial phone screen, all of that has been conducted and now you are sitting in front of the interviewer and they are wondering whether to take a chance on you. At that moment, degrees, experience, references, etc., don’t matter. What matters is how you conduct yourself. What you wear, how much eye contact you make, how you sit, how you breathe, what your voice sounds like when you talk- these are the factors that will determine the outcome of an interview. Within the first 30 seconds an interviewer will have an impression of who you are. Within 20 minutes they will have already made up their mind. In an interview, you only get one shot, and it has nothing to do with how qualified you are, and everything to do with how well you communicate. Since nonverbal communication translates the majority of any message, it is absolutely essential that job seekers understand what they are communicating nonverbally.

I finally found a business and marketing manager. He included a cover letter with his resume that answered every question posed in the ad. He made references to my website and offered creative marketing ideas. He sailed through the phone screening by answering the questions I had about his resume in a calm, credible voice, yet he switched to approachable when asking me questions. Once in the interview he matched his style to mine, so I immediately felt at ease. He asked good questions and then positioned himself as the solution, for example, asking me what my weakness was (procrastination) and then stating how his style would assist me reach my goals (creating deadlines together and mapping out a plan of action.)

He’s been with me for a few weeks and is already reaching out to local and national media, has a social media plan in the works, has reorganized my office, and if I think of something, he’s already done it. Yesterday.

So either he is going to murder me while I sleep -because he’s too good to be true- or he really is the perfect employee. The suspense is killing me. But I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Stay tuned for my e-book: “Hired! 21 Nonverbal Secrets for Job-Winning Interviews” out in the next few months.