“You’ll be fine,” she said as I practically sobbed at the news. “No I won’t!” I wailed. How would I be fine? Until Val came along, I had been alone and doing everything myself. She had come into my life and made work fun again. She was my confidante, my go-to person, and the voice I heard on the phone every morning. Nonverbal Solutions wouldn’t be where it was today without her.

Eventually I decided to get my big girl pants on, and get to finding a business and marketing manager. So I did what most businesses do these days and put an ad on craigslist. I figured with the terrible job market, I’d have a ton of qualified candidates knocking on my door.

Boy, was I wrong.

So if you’re looking for a job, a few do’s and don’ts from a prospective employer:

Don’t ignore the requests in the ad. Over 75% of people either didn’t send a cover letter (something I requested) or if they did- didn’t answer the questions asked in the ad. Those resumes didn’t even get a second look. Your resume is a marketing tool. It must sell you in three seconds or less. If you can’t be bothered to follow instructions, then don’t bother applying at all.

Do your research. The job applicants I considered went to my website, referenced it in the cover letter, gave specific ideas about how they would be a good fit, and gave an example of something creative they would try if they got the job. Tailoring your cover letter to the organization you are applying for goes a long way, especially with entrepreneurs like myself.

Don’t mismatch with your interviewer. Interviewers fall into one of two camps: people-oriented or issue-oriented. People-oriented interviewers will smile, engage in small talk, and use approachable body language. They are interested in hiring someone who works well with others. Issue-oriented interviewers won’t smile much, talk less, and use credible body language. Their primary concern is if you possess the skills for the job. Too much small talk and smiling signals the issue-oriented interviewer that you aren’t credible. Not smiling enough and no small talk signals the people-oriented interviewer that you aren’t approachable. Match your style to the interviewer’s because research shows that people hire people who are like them.

Do ask questions that will allow you to position yourself as the ideal candidate. An interview is when we are peppered with questions and evaluated on our answers, right? Wrong. Savvy job-seekers will also ask questions of their interviewers. And not the typical questions -questions which should be strenuously avoided, by the way- such as, “do I have to work on weekends?” or, “what kind of benefits are included?” No, smart job-seekers will pose questions that allow them to position themselves as the ideal candidate. Asking, “What would be your ideal match for this position?” gives you insight into what the interviewer is looking for and allows you to sell yourself as the best fit for the position.

Don’t assume the interview has anything to do with your skills and talents. If someone has taken the time to interview you, they’ve already determined you are qualified for the position. An interview isn’t the start of the hiring process, it’s the end. The resume, your references, the initial phone screen, all of that has been conducted and now you are sitting in front of the interviewer and they are wondering whether to take a chance on you. At that moment, degrees, experience, references, etc., don’t matter. What matters is how you conduct yourself. What you wear, how much eye contact you make, how you sit, how you breathe, what your voice sounds like when you talk- these are the factors that will determine the outcome of an interview. Within the first 30 seconds an interviewer will have an impression of who you are. Within 20 minutes they will have already made up their mind. In an interview, you only get one shot, and it has nothing to do with how qualified you are, and everything to do with how well you communicate. Since nonverbal communication translates the majority of any message, it is absolutely essential that job seekers understand what they are communicating nonverbally.

I finally found a business and marketing manager. He included a cover letter with his resume that answered every question posed in the ad. He made references to my website and offered creative marketing ideas. He sailed through the phone screening by answering the questions I had about his resume in a calm, credible voice, yet he switched to approachable when asking me questions. Once in the interview he matched his style to mine, so I immediately felt at ease. He asked good questions and then positioned himself as the solution, for example, asking me what my weakness was (procrastination) and then stating how his style would assist me reach my goals (creating deadlines together and mapping out a plan of action.)

He’s been with me for a few weeks and is already reaching out to local and national media, has a social media plan in the works, has reorganized my office, and if I think of something, he’s already done it. Yesterday.

So either he is going to murder me while I sleep -because he’s too good to be true- or he really is the perfect employee. The suspense is killing me. But I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Stay tuned for my e-book: “Hired! 21 Nonverbal Secrets for Job-Winning Interviews” out in the next few months.

Funny how it sometimes takes a two-year old to identify what’s really important.

It’s the same question we ask participants in our Don’t Shoot the Messenger workshop. Giving bad news is a difficult thing to do, because we inadvertently become associated in the mind of the listener with the news. So not only are we giving bad news, we become the bad guy. And as horrible as it feels to deliver a negative message, the situation only gets worse when the person receiving it goes on the attack.

When an interaction becomes volatile, we tend to hold our breath, and frantically think of what we can say to defend ourselves. We somehow get the crazy idea that we’ll be able to talk our way out of the mess we’ve unwittingly created.

It reminds me of brainstorming ideas for our company tagline. My husband said, “What about this? Keep talking, let’s see where that gets you.” I laughed at the time, but it’s actually quite apt. Oftentimes we think, “if I just keep talking I can talk my way out of this.” And yet talking often makes things worse.

What we fail to realize is that when we get upset our breathing becomes very shallow -many of us actually hold our breath. This cuts off oxygen to the brain, and instead of being responsive, we become reactive. The longer we continue to breathe high (shallow), the more upset we become.

When someone gets angry or upset, the first thing -the ONLY thing- to ask yourself is, “how am I breathing?” Because if you’re breathing low (deep), two things will happen. One, you’ll be able think more clearly and choose an appropriate response, because your brain will receive the oxygen it desperately needs to function in a conflict situation. Two, the very act of breathing will force the other person to also breathe. People take their breathing cues from us. It’s like yawning- when you see someone do it, you have an irresistible urge to do it yourself. You almost can’t help yourself.

So the next time you find yourself under attack, stop, check in with your breathing, and take a deep breath. You’ll find the interaction will go much smoother when you can answer “yes” to the question, “are you breathing?”

How you use your voice affects how receptive people are to your message. People are more in-tune with a person’s voice than any other nonverbal. There are two basic voice patterns: credible, where the voice curls down at the ends of statements, and approachable, where the voice curls up at the ends of statements. Most people tend to use one or the other, but all effective people use both.

And yet sometimes when we attempt one voice pattern or another, things go wrong. For example, a person with a naturally credible voice pattern will try and use an approachable voice pattern and just end up sounding goofy. And someone with a naturally approachable voice pattern will attempt to use a credible one and end up sounding angry or impatient.

So what’s really happening? It comes down to breathing. Oftentimes my husband will object to something I’ve said and I’ll retort, “What? What did I say?” He’ll answer, “It’s not what you said, it’s your tone.” When we pair voice pattern and breathing we get tone. I can attempt to hide behind my words, but my nonverbals give me away.

There are two basic breathing types. Breathing high -where you hold your breath and take tiny gulps of air- and breathing low -where you inhale deeply and exhale all of the air out. When we pair high breathing with credible voice pattern we get an angry, impatient tone. When we pair high breathing with approachable voice pattern we get the goofy, ditzy tone.

So how does this impact your career? All nonverbally intelligent people employ both voice patterns. But unless you’re breathing well, you won’t communicate what you really mean to say. So make sure to pair low breathing with a credible voice pattern if you want to sound definitive and knowledgeable. Likewise, pair an approachable voice pattern with low breathing to sound friendly and open.

And the next time your significant other accuses you of using that tone you can smile and thank him or her for reminding you to check in with your breathing.

Next time: How breathing makes a difference in the delivery of negative information.

And then I laughed because if anyone needs to be reminded to exhale it’s me. My life is like one big inhale: I just keep taking things in and in and in, bearing down, gritting my teeth, thinking things like, “if it’s to be it’s up to me!” (Seriously. It takes everything I have to stop myself from having it engraved on a coffee mug.)

My chiropractor was doing some deep tissue work on me the other day and asked if the pain level was ok. I replied, “I’m fine, I can take it.” He said, “I don’t want you to ‘take it,’ I want you to let it go.” I exhaled and realized I’d been holding my breath. I thought, hmmm…I’m not so good at letting things go. I tend to view life as a big ocean of activity. I hold my breath, dive in, and rarely come up for air.

But I’m learning to let go. My business coach gave me an assignment last week: create a yes/no list. Work I would say yes to and work I would turn down. I had to clarify that I heard her right. Turn down work? Are you serious? “Have you written the book yet?” she asked.

Ok fine, I get it. I can’t do everything.

The process of breathing can teach us a lot about the process of letting go. As we inhale, oxygen is brought into the lungs where red blood cells are waiting, full of old carbon dioxide that the body’s cells have made. As they accept the oxygen, they release the carbon dioxide and it’s expelled back out into the environment.

That powerful exchange is a great metaphor for a balanced life. To get the good stuff you’ve got to let go of the bad stuff. If you don’t, you’ll literally suffocate to death. So Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, but don’t forget to Exhale.

Next Week: How breathing can make a powerful difference in your career