Communication Break-Down

Ever feel like your “work” consists of attending meetings?

It can take so much time to discuss what we want to do, what we will do, and what we did, that little time remains in the work day for actual doing. It reminds me of this “demotivational” poster:

We need meetings. Yet how do you communicate that time is a precious commodity and not to be wasted? How can you stay on track?

Many meeting facilitators prepare an Agenda beforehand. Great!! Now use it systematically and purposefully to direct meetings.

• Be specific. List exactly what needs to be discussed and how many minutes are allocated to each item.
• Be consistent. Appoint a Schedule Czar to give warnings when time is running out—if the matter clearly needs more attention and discussion, schedule a separate meeting.
• Keep it visible. If your Agenda is the first slide of your Power Point presentation which shows up once and is never seen again, it can’t help you. Get it off to the side—on a white board, a separate screen, a flip chart, etc. Its presence provides a constant, silent reminder of the tasks and topics at hand.  
• Refer to it. Turn and look at the Agenda as you transition between topics. Communicate that it guides the discussion.   
• Let the Agenda be the bad guy. Any time the meeting begins to derail, instead of verbally trying to steer the conversation back, let the Agenda do it nonverbally. Just as the Agenda confirms what will be covered, allow it to settle what won’t be covered. When a satellite topic arises, turn and look at the Agenda. If necessary, you can say, “That’s not on the Agenda for today.” Breathe. Wait. Once you sense that the topic has been dropped (participants will begin breathing again), get back to business.

 Just think of how many more meetings you’ll be able to schedule with all the time you’ll save!!

(Photo courtesy of www.despair.com. Thanks!)

A few weeks ago I was assisting a legal team during a trial. The day before opening statements we received a brand new piece of discovery which made the opposing side look very bad. As we walked into the courtroom the following morning the paralegal took me aside and said, “Peter* is planning on nailing the opposing counsel during his opening statement with the news we got yesterday. He’s really going to let them have it. What do you think?”

I said, “It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what the jury thinks.”

We’re often so involved in what we’re going to say (content) and how we’re going to say it (delivery) that we forget the most important part of communication: how people will receive it (reception).

It makes sense, really. You can plan your content and practice your delivery, but you can’t know how people are going to receive your message until you’re in the act of delivering it. Not to mention most of us don’t know how to gauge how our message is being received, or what we can do differently if it isn’t being received well. We tend to think, “I’ll do the best I can, and then deal with people’s reactions afterwards.”

There’s a better way. Two ways, actually.

1) Increase your awareness, and

2) adapt your approach.

Nonverbal intelligence allows you to do both. If I know what to look for, I can watch carefully as I deliver my message and gauge the response. If I’m not getting the response I was hoping for, I can change what I’m doing.

For example, if Peter began his opening statement with the inflammatory information and the members of the jury pulled their heads back, shoulders up, and sat rigidly upright (a sign that people have stopped breathing), he could take that information as a sign that his listeners were not open to his “nail the opposing side” message. He could then drop his eyes and hands, walk to a new spot (while breathing) and continue with a softer approach.

The point is, it isn’t enough to know your content and deliver it well. You must always have an “eye” on your listener if you want to be successful.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Sunday night an email bearing the above subject line landed in my inbox. I clicked on the link and read the article which describes the technique as follows:

“The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time is deceptively simple, but it works like magic. Next time your partner makes a point, take a moment to digest whatever he is saying. Then say it back to him. Maybe not word for word, but you have to get the gist—and you can’t stop trying until your partner agrees you’ve nailed it. Switch roles and repeat.”

This is otherwise known as “active listening.”

Active listening has been around for awhile, and is a favorite of marriage therapists. Supposedly, by repeating what the other person said, you communicate that you are listening and understand their point of view.

But does it work?

John M. Gottman, known for his “love lab” experiments in Seattle, discusses active listening in his New York Times Bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He says after employing active listening techniques in therapy, “only 35 percent of couples see a meaningful improvement in their marriages” and that a year later, “less than half of that group -or just 18 percent of all couples who enter therapy- retain these benefits.” Gottman explains that the technique was first used by Carl Rogers for individual therapy, and worked well when a neutral third party was listening to someone describe a problem. But when used between people who are actually in conflict, the technique backfires.

People continue to tout the active listening model because logically, it makes sense. We all have the need to feel heard and understood, so how better to do that than by paraphrasing what the other person said? Yet words are a very small part of the message. What we say pales in comparison to how we say it. Nonverbal communication translates the majority of face to face communication- if you paraphrase while rolling your eyes, using a condescending tone or avoiding eye contact, the words end up meaning very little.

We convey that we hear and understand the person we are speaking with, whether that person is our partner, colleague or employee by increasing our nonverbal intelligence. Nonverbal intelligence assists us in knowing if small talk is warranted or if we should get to the issue, whether we should use eye contact or look at something else, and whether we should be credible or approachable. If we know what to look for we can adapt our approach to the people we are with, instead of using a “one-approach-fits-all.”

Adaptability, not a specific technique, is the most useful communication technique of all time.

Last week I published a blog on the five things you might be doing to annoy your co-workers. Several people asked me what to do if you were on the receiving end of the annoyance, so here ya go:

1. Talking too loud. There isn’t much you can do about a loud talker. Loud talkers are notoriously unaware. Unfortunately, the only way to bring it to their attention is to point it out to them. Once, my husband and I were breakfasting in a cafe and the gentleman next to us was speaking so loudly, we literally couldn’t hold a conversation. To my husband’s horror, I leaned over and asked the gentleman if he could lower his voice. He flushed from his neck to his temples, apologized profusely and said he hadn’t realized he’d been talking so loud. Not every interaction will go as well as this one, but if you try, you’ll at least make them aware of the problem. Just be nice. It helps to say it as though you assume they don’t know they are annoying the heck out of everyone around them.

2. Talking too fast. This too, is hard to correct, so your job is to continually ask the person to repeat themselves since you didn’t catch half of what they said. “What? I didn’t catch that.” “What? I didn’t catch that.” “What?…” and then send them to me for coaching.

3. Talking too much. This I can help you with. The number one way to stop an incessant talker is to go visual. If you are conducting a meeting, and the person continues to pipe up, looping the conversation back to subjects already covered in depth, write down what they are saying. Then turn, looking at the incessant talker and ask, “is what you’re saying,” -turning to the visual- “any different than this?” Continue to look at the visual, because if you look back at the person, the verbal diarrhea will start up again. It’s very difficult to argue with something that isn’t looking or talking to you.

4. Talking incongruently. Most of us aren’t aware of our own voice patterns so this is less annoying than inefficient. Focus on using your own voice congruently. Sure, it will begin to annoy you as you hear others who don’t follow this rule, but your success will continue to increase, so who cares!

5. Talking at all. One more skill for those of you dealing with the incessant talker. It’s what I like to call the polite way to interrupt. Ever been in those meetings where the IT (incessant talker) goes on and on and on, and no one knows how to jump in because they’re afraid of ruffling feathers? Here’s what you do. The next time IT begins to take over the meeting, put your hand out in front of you, palm down, freeze the gesture, and curling the voice down, loudly say, “I think,” (or whatever phrase you’d like to use) and then stop. If you were loud enough, the IT will stop talking and everyone will turn to look at you. (Hopefully you’re ok with the attention.) Pause. This is very important. Since you spoke loudly, you’ve shocked everyone, which means they aren’t breathing. You don’t want to say anything until you’ve paused and breathed. This will force everyone in the room to breathe as well. After pausing, then curl your voice up, turn the palm up, and in a soft voice, repeat, “I think,” and continue with your sentence. The change in nonverbals (credible voice to approachable voice) along with the pause will cause amnesia, allowing you to redirect the meeting.

Difficult skill to write about, but it works like a charm.

Hope this helps, I’ll be writing more on workplace issues in the months to come, thanks for stopping by.

I recently had an x-ray on my back. When I sat down with my doctor to hear the results, she said the x-ray had incidentally shown that I had vascular calcification on my carotid artery. This meant I could have a stroke at any minute. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “this is serious.” And then she walked out the door.

As it was a Friday, I had to wait until Monday to get the ultrasound done on my neck to see how blocked the artery was. I don’t exaggerate when I say that was one of the longest weekends of my life. I had the ultrasound and found she had misread the x-ray. I was relieved, yet furious. I have since found a new doctor.

I don’t blame her for misreading my x-ray. What I do blame her for is how she communicated the information. With that in mind, here are my top three tips for medical professionals:

Communicate both your position and your person. We patients are pretty darn vulnerable sitting in a waiting room, usually without the benefit of our clothes. We need to feel that you care about us personally, but we also want to believe you know what you’re doing. You need to communicate both empathy and expertise. To communicate your person (empathy), use eye contact, curl the voice up at the ends of statements, smile, and use more relaxed body language. To communicate your position (expertise), straighten your posture, curl the voice down, and focus your eyes on the matter at hand.

Don’t look at the patient when delivering bad news. Ever hear the phrase, “don’t shoot the messenger?” Oftentimes it isn’t what we say that causes us to be “shot” it’s how we say it. Eye contact is the number one way to attach information to yourself. To separate yourself from the message, look at something else. In my case, the x-ray would have been helpful. This is true for those who work in medical offices as well. When discussing a bill with a patient, look at the bill. Where we look is where the responsibility lies. It wasn’t my doctor’s fault that there was a shadow on my x-ray. So look at the x-ray. This doesn’t mean we never look at people. It just means we’re systematic about when we look and when we look at something else.

Separate the problem from the solution. After looking at the x-ray together, she could have looked at me to discuss solutions. For example, -looking at the x-ray- “if you’ll notice this shadowy area here, that’s what we’re concerned about. It appears as though you may have some vascular calcification on your carotid artery.” Looking at me she might say, -”Now, the way we’ll find out for sure is to have an ultrasound done on your neck.” Turning back to the x-ray- “If it does turn out that there is calcifcation,”- turning back to me, “here are our options.” Then she could go on to list them. By using eye contact in a systematic way, she associates the problem with the x-ray, and the solution with her. Looking at the x-ray = problem. Looking at me = solution.

I know she meant well, even if she didn’t get her message across. Which just shows how difficult it is to communicate what we really mean sometimes. Increasing our nonverbal intelligence will assist us in clarifying the intent of our message, especially when that message is negative.

Last month Val told me she was leaving. She wanted to focus on teaching, and realized that although she had helped bring Nonverbal Solutions this far, it was now time for something -and someone- new.

“You’ll be fine,” she said as I practically sobbed at the news. “No I won’t!” I wailed. How would I be fine? Until Val came along, I had been alone and doing everything myself. She had come into my life and made work fun again. She was my confidante, my go-to person, and the voice I heard on the phone every morning. Nonverbal Solutions wouldn’t be where it was today without her.

Eventually I decided to get my big girl pants on, and get to finding a business and marketing manager. So I did what most businesses do these days and put an ad on craigslist. I figured with the terrible job market, I’d have a ton of qualified candidates knocking on my door.

Boy, was I wrong.

So if you’re looking for a job, a few do’s and don’ts from a prospective employer:

Don’t ignore the requests in the ad. Over 75% of people either didn’t send a cover letter (something I requested) or if they did- didn’t answer the questions asked in the ad. Those resumes didn’t even get a second look. Your resume is a marketing tool. It must sell you in three seconds or less. If you can’t be bothered to follow instructions, then don’t bother applying at all.

Do your research. The job applicants I considered went to my website, referenced it in the cover letter, gave specific ideas about how they would be a good fit, and gave an example of something creative they would try if they got the job. Tailoring your cover letter to the organization you are applying for goes a long way, especially with entrepreneurs like myself.

Don’t mismatch with your interviewer. Interviewers fall into one of two camps: people-oriented or issue-oriented. People-oriented interviewers will smile, engage in small talk, and use approachable body language. They are interested in hiring someone who works well with others. Issue-oriented interviewers won’t smile much, talk less, and use credible body language. Their primary concern is if you possess the skills for the job. Too much small talk and smiling signals the issue-oriented interviewer that you aren’t credible. Not smiling enough and no small talk signals the people-oriented interviewer that you aren’t approachable. Match your style to the interviewer’s because research shows that people hire people who are like them.

Do ask questions that will allow you to position yourself as the ideal candidate. An interview is when we are peppered with questions and evaluated on our answers, right? Wrong. Savvy job-seekers will also ask questions of their interviewers. And not the typical questions -questions which should be strenuously avoided, by the way- such as, “do I have to work on weekends?” or, “what kind of benefits are included?” No, smart job-seekers will pose questions that allow them to position themselves as the ideal candidate. Asking, “What would be your ideal match for this position?” gives you insight into what the interviewer is looking for and allows you to sell yourself as the best fit for the position.

Don’t assume the interview has anything to do with your skills and talents. If someone has taken the time to interview you, they’ve already determined you are qualified for the position. An interview isn’t the start of the hiring process, it’s the end. The resume, your references, the initial phone screen, all of that has been conducted and now you are sitting in front of the interviewer and they are wondering whether to take a chance on you. At that moment, degrees, experience, references, etc., don’t matter. What matters is how you conduct yourself. What you wear, how much eye contact you make, how you sit, how you breathe, what your voice sounds like when you talk- these are the factors that will determine the outcome of an interview. Within the first 30 seconds an interviewer will have an impression of who you are. Within 20 minutes they will have already made up their mind. In an interview, you only get one shot, and it has nothing to do with how qualified you are, and everything to do with how well you communicate. Since nonverbal communication translates the majority of any message, it is absolutely essential that job seekers understand what they are communicating nonverbally.

I finally found a business and marketing manager. He included a cover letter with his resume that answered every question posed in the ad. He made references to my website and offered creative marketing ideas. He sailed through the phone screening by answering the questions I had about his resume in a calm, credible voice, yet he switched to approachable when asking me questions. Once in the interview he matched his style to mine, so I immediately felt at ease. He asked good questions and then positioned himself as the solution, for example, asking me what my weakness was (procrastination) and then stating how his style would assist me reach my goals (creating deadlines together and mapping out a plan of action.)

He’s been with me for a few weeks and is already reaching out to local and national media, has a social media plan in the works, has reorganized my office, and if I think of something, he’s already done it. Yesterday.

So either he is going to murder me while I sleep -because he’s too good to be true- or he really is the perfect employee. The suspense is killing me. But I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Stay tuned for my e-book: “Hired! 21 Nonverbal Secrets for Job-Winning Interviews” out in the next few months.

Of all the bad advice I encounter in my work -never turn your back to the audience, move around a lot when speaking, always be friendly- the advice to always maintain eye contact has to be the worst.

We have very deeply held beliefs -especially here in the States- about the role of eye contact. We’ve been taught that eye contact equals respect, and that avoiding eye contact is tantamount to disrespecting the person you are engaging with.

This is bad advice and can really get us into trouble.

Eye contact does equal respect when you are in relationship. But there are times -delivering negative information for example- when we want to separate the relationship from the message.

There are three things to remember about the use of eye contact.

1. Go visual with information, especially if it is negative.

You must have the negative information on some sort of visual if you hope to have the person receive it and not attach the negative message to you. If you are working one-on-one, the visual will be small -a piece of paper, report, fax, or memo- if you are delivering negative information to a group the visual will be larger -a PowerPoint presentation, flip chart, or white board. Those in the medical field will also want to adhere to this rule. Although medical personnel almost always have an x-ray, lab report, or diagram handy they rarely use them effectively. A doctor often looks at a patient when saying, “You have cancer.” By looking at the person while delivering this information what he or she is really saying is, “You are cancer.” When the doctor uses direct eye contact the patient has a more difficult time absorbing the information. The patient may -understandably- become upset, volatile, or breakdown. This can be avoided using the next step.

2. Avoid eye contact if the information is negative. Use eye contact if the information is positive.

If a doctor -instead of looking at the patient- looks at the x-ray and says, “The x-ray shows that cancer is present,” the patient is more apt to breathe, take the information in and assimilate it without becoming as upset. The doctor can then turn to the patient and with eye contact say, “Now here is what we’re going to do.” By using eye contact in a systematic way the doctor nonverbally separates the problem (x-ray) from the solution (doctor and patient working together.) This works in the business world as well. When you have to lay people off or tell a group that there is a salary freeze, look at the information (which should be displayed visually) not the person/group.

3. People follow your eyes, not your hands.

These skills are only effective if you understand that people follow your eyes, not your hands. Oftentimes we point to a visual but maintain eye contact with the listener. This is ineffective. Think about it: when you’re sitting having coffee across from someone and they look over your shoulder and towards the door, what do you do? You also turn and look. We’re programmed to follow someone’s eyes, and rarely look where someone is pointing unless they are also looking there. When using a visual to give sensitive or difficult information be sure to look at the visual as well as point to it. This will cause the listener to look where you want them to look.

Nonverbal intelligence is all about having more than one approach. Sometimes we’ll want to maintain eye contact (when the information is positive) and other times we’ll want to look at something else (when the information is negative.) Train yourself to be systematic with your eye contact and you’ll have an easier time separating yourself from the message.