Communication Break-Down

Ever feel like your “work” consists of attending meetings?

It can take so much time to discuss what we want to do, what we will do, and what we did, that little time remains in the work day for actual doing. It reminds me of this “demotivational” poster:

We need meetings. Yet how do you communicate that time is a precious commodity and not to be wasted? How can you stay on track?

Many meeting facilitators prepare an Agenda beforehand. Great!! Now use it systematically and purposefully to direct meetings.

• Be specific. List exactly what needs to be discussed and how many minutes are allocated to each item.
• Be consistent. Appoint a Schedule Czar to give warnings when time is running out—if the matter clearly needs more attention and discussion, schedule a separate meeting.
• Keep it visible. If your Agenda is the first slide of your Power Point presentation which shows up once and is never seen again, it can’t help you. Get it off to the side—on a white board, a separate screen, a flip chart, etc. Its presence provides a constant, silent reminder of the tasks and topics at hand.  
• Refer to it. Turn and look at the Agenda as you transition between topics. Communicate that it guides the discussion.   
• Let the Agenda be the bad guy. Any time the meeting begins to derail, instead of verbally trying to steer the conversation back, let the Agenda do it nonverbally. Just as the Agenda confirms what will be covered, allow it to settle what won’t be covered. When a satellite topic arises, turn and look at the Agenda. If necessary, you can say, “That’s not on the Agenda for today.” Breathe. Wait. Once you sense that the topic has been dropped (participants will begin breathing again), get back to business.

 Just think of how many more meetings you’ll be able to schedule with all the time you’ll save!!

(Photo courtesy of www.despair.com. Thanks!)

Over the past 10 years, my weight has fluctuated a ton. Okay, not a literal ton. But due to stress eating, crash dieting (avoiding both of those nowadays), and a couple of pregnancies, my wardrobe includes items that range from size 4 to size 16. Only a few pieces fit me well. 

I’ve discovered that nothing feels as comfortable or looks as good as clothes that fit.

The right color, the right style, the latest fashion or trend? Doesn’t matter. It won’t feel good or look right if it’s not the right fit.

Like clothing, we “put on” nonverbals to meet the needs of the situation. Just as you wear suitable business attire to an important meeting or court appointment, you also coordinate your nonverbals to harmonize with your circumstances and message . But not only must your nonverbals fit the conditions, they must also fit you.

Here’s the problem: We don’t always know what fits us.

As I type this blog, I keep glancing down at my size 9 sandals. I’ve worn size 9 shoes since high school. Yet I recently discovered I’m actually an 8 ½. (Don’t ask me why it took me so long to figure this out. I think I just didn’t pay much attention to what was on my feet until last year when a friend forced me to buy a pair of amazing bright red stilettos.) Now that I know what fits my foot the best, I am uncomfortable in all my size 9 shoes. Not only are they too loose, I feel like I’m wearing clown shoes.

Obviously, I need to go shopping and replace all those shoes…  But first, let me finish this blog.

One reason we don’t know what fits us is that we change. We grow, we shift, we learn. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how much we have changed and therefore aren’t aware of what fits the “new” us. For example, over the past year my husband lost 35 pounds. When we went shopping to buy him new clothes, he kept trying on clothes that were way too big! He had not yet adjusted, in his mind, to his new size.

As we grow, mature, experience new things, and take on different roles and responsibilities, our nonverbal repertoire also expands. Yet we don’t always realize our range. With training and coaching in nonverbal communication skills, we become aware of our natural patterns, discover new ways of communicating, and “try them on” to see what fits.

On the one hand, you cannot communicate effectively by “putting on” nonverbals that don’t fit you personally. On the other hand, your personal nonverbal “wardrobe” probably includes a wider variety of voice patterns, postures, gestures, and facial expressions than you are aware of. The way we communicate must be “fitting” for the situation AND it must fit us personally. Yet we won’t find all the wonderful ways of communicating that do suit us if we aren’t willing to step out of our comfort zone from time to time.

It is possible to change and adapt while staying true to the “real” you .

In the spirit of this post, I am now off to the shoe store to find size 8 ½ shoes that fit, but that also will push my limits and make my wardrobe just a little more fabulous.  Fabulous is good.

A few months ago I was driving to speak at an event I had titled “The Art of Being Out of Control.” As I sat waiting at a stoplight I reached into my purse and pulled out my MAC lipstick. I must have grabbed an old lipstick because I didn’t recognize the color right away. I turned the tube upside down to read the name:

High Strung.

This is funny if you know me even a little bit. Let’s just say that I am a “recovering” control freak. I had issues. Even my issues had issues.

I’m all better now, thank you for asking.

If we’re being honest though, I think we all have some control issues. Particularly around outcomes. My work is a great example: people often want to learn nonverbal “techniques” so they can get people to do what they want. In other words, they want a particular outcome.

What I’ve come to realize over the years is that the most effective communicators, leaders, etc, are people who switch from outcome-oriented thinking to option-oriented thinking. Instead of asking, “How do I get X to do Y?” they ask, “What are all the options here?” Nonverbal intelligence not only allows us to identify the various options available, it assists us in communicating effectively based on those options.

For example, if I need to fire someone, I can make up a story ahead of time about how I think they’ll react, how upset they’ll be, what a mess this is…. and boom! I walk into the meeting in fight or flight mode which my employee will naturally react to. If however, I focus on my breathing so that I remain calm, I can stay present to whatever happens. If my employee becomes angry, I can deal with it. But it might also be that they’re relieved, because they’d heard rumors, or perhaps they were dying to leave and are thrilled to be offered a severance package. The point is, I don’t know what will happen. But if I focus on one outcome–this person will become upset–I breathe high, cutting off oxygen to my brain and I lose all my resourcefulness. Instead, if I stay present and respond based on what is actually happening in the moment, I can better serve my employee, myself, and the needs of the situation.

Anyone can be “out of control.” The art of being out of control is letting go of our attachment to outcomes and instead opening ourselves up to possibility.

I recently gave a talk about nonverbal communication in the workplace, and shared that I would be presenting our brand new workshop, The Language of Leadership, next Tuesday.

A woman in the audience raised her hand and said, “I’ve asked my manager for approval to attend this workshop, but I don’t think he sees me as a leader. How do I persuade him to grant me permission to attend?”

I responded, “You don’t. Don’t give your power away. Attend, pay for it yourself if you have to, and instead of asking him to see you as a leader, show him your leadership. In other words, don’t wait for permission to lead, lead from where you are.”

Too often we believe that leadership is something that’s awarded to us, or something that’s linked to our role or position. But in actuality, leadership is a decision. Lead from any chair, says Ben Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, and author of The Art of Possibility. Whether we’re a member of an orchestra, school board or a team of engineers, we don’t need a title or permission to lead.

Seth Godin, in his book Tribes- We Need You to Lead Us -a book I can barely put down- says, “The question isn’t, Is it possible for me to do that? The question is, Will I choose to do it?”

Will you?

Everyone can be a leader. You just need a vision, a voice, and a connection with your followers. But first you must decide to lead.

So put aside the reasons why you aren’t leadership material, or why you can’t afford it, or why it’s too hard to get time off, and make the decision to lead from where you are. Join me this coming Tuesday, March 29th, to learn how to speak the language of leadership. No more excuses. Decide, take action, and step into leadership. As Seth says, we need you to lead us.

Last week we rolled out our new workshop: The Language of Leadership.

When I decided I wanted to do a workshop on leadership, I started by reading books and trolling around online. I compiled a list of “leadership qualities” that various sources insisted all leaders possess. This included character, intelligence, confidence, communication skills, discipline, sense of humor, vision, charisma and mental toughness. Leaders must also be honest, organized, passionate, calm, determined, dedicated, humble, open, creative, fair, assertive, proactive, competent, disciplined, inspiring, consistent, motivating, a good listener, a risk-taker, and poised.

In other words, the person who possesses all the above qualities does not exist.

Leaders need a variety of qualities to effectively do the job, and some people will be strong in one area and others in another. The skills needed to lead will also change depending on the task at hand. But if we’re defining what a leader is, I think we can simplify it a great deal.

Leaders are going somewhere.

If there isn’t a destination, there’s no need for “followers.” If you don’t know where you’re heading you can’t focus on how to get people to come with you. It’s that simple. Once you have your destination clearly in mind, however, you can begin to rouse others into action. We do this by speaking the language of leadership.

It doesn’t matter if you are intelligent, competent, honest, creative, or [choose from the list above]. Your leadership depends on your ability to communicate these things. James Humes once said, “the art of communication is the language of leadership.” A leader is someone who not only has a vision, but can communicate it in such a way that people want to follow.

If you want to learn to speak the language of leadership, I invite you to join us March 29th, 2011 here in Portland for my brand-new workshop. Today is the last day to register and receive the early-bird discount, so I encourage you to visit www.nonverbalsolutions.com to learn more. Seating is limited- so register soon.

Whether you’re currently in leadership, or looking to increase your leadership capabilities in every-day life, I hope to see you March 29th.