Communication Break-Down

Recently I picked up a book written by a “body language expert” who primarily works in the legal field. She talked about how she intently watches potential jurors, looking for tapping feet, clasping or unclasping of hands, crossed arms and the like. She even goes as far as to use her sense of smell: as jurors walk in she tries to pick up perfume or body odor.

Really?

I work with a lot of trial attorneys, and I can say, without hesitation, that of ALL of the things lawyers have to do and think about during trial, “smelling jurors” is not at the top of the list.

And yet, I get it. There is a deep seated need to put our hands on some sort of a “formula” that can, if not guarantee us results, at least predispose them in our favor.

The number one thing a trial attorney needs in court (or anyone looking to improve their communication, really) is the ability to adapt in the moment. And therein lies the problem: when we buy into a “formula” we stop being aware, and it all goes downhill.

It feels “safer” to believe that there’s only one way to conduct voir dire, opening statements or cross examination, but the truth of the matter is, (as Rick Friedman points out in his book On Becoming a Trial Lawyer) if you’re looking for safety, you’re in the wrong profession.

Increase your nonverbal intelligence and you’ll increase your success in the courtroom or anywhere else. Why nonverbal communication? Because it’s observable. If you want to get good at adapting to your circumstances, you have to be aware of what’s going on around you. To do that, you need to be able to observe something.

And no, it’s not random body language or body odor. (May I just register my creeped-outness here?) I’m not suggesting you watch other people’s body language and hallucinate (because that’s really what you’ll end up doing) about what they might be thinking or feeling. What I am suggesting is that you start to notice, as I mentioned in my last blog, how people are responding to what you’re doing, and adapt your communication based on that information.

What someone’s body odor communicates–outside of the fact that they might need to take a shower–is beyond me, but smell away, if you must.

On second thought, please don’t.

A few weeks ago I was assisting a legal team during a trial. The day before opening statements we received a brand new piece of discovery which made the opposing side look very bad. As we walked into the courtroom the following morning the paralegal took me aside and said, “Peter* is planning on nailing the opposing counsel during his opening statement with the news we got yesterday. He’s really going to let them have it. What do you think?”

I said, “It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what the jury thinks.”

We’re often so involved in what we’re going to say (content) and how we’re going to say it (delivery) that we forget the most important part of communication: how people will receive it (reception).

It makes sense, really. You can plan your content and practice your delivery, but you can’t know how people are going to receive your message until you’re in the act of delivering it. Not to mention most of us don’t know how to gauge how our message is being received, or what we can do differently if it isn’t being received well. We tend to think, “I’ll do the best I can, and then deal with people’s reactions afterwards.”

There’s a better way. Two ways, actually.

1) Increase your awareness, and

2) adapt your approach.

Nonverbal intelligence allows you to do both. If I know what to look for, I can watch carefully as I deliver my message and gauge the response. If I’m not getting the response I was hoping for, I can change what I’m doing.

For example, if Peter began his opening statement with the inflammatory information and the members of the jury pulled their heads back, shoulders up, and sat rigidly upright (a sign that people have stopped breathing), he could take that information as a sign that his listeners were not open to his “nail the opposing side” message. He could then drop his eyes and hands, walk to a new spot (while breathing) and continue with a softer approach.

The point is, it isn’t enough to know your content and deliver it well. You must always have an “eye” on your listener if you want to be successful.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Recently I hired a local consulting firm to assist me with a website redesign. I’ve been doing a lot of courtroom work, and I wanted to add more courtroom content to our website. Over the course of several conversations it became clear that I not only needed a new website, but an entire new brand, and so the process began with MJ Petroni, principal at CauseIt, sitting me down and asking, “Who are you?”

“Who am I?” I replied, incredulous. “Don’t make me stab you in the eye with this pen,” I said.

(MJ reassures me this is a common reaction to this question.)

Seriously, though. Isn’t this a question we all struggle with our entire lives? Who the heck knows “who they are?” What does that even mean?

(For those of you hoping to never answer that question, I strongly advise you to avoid the rebrand process.)

I’m happy to report, however, that several weeks in, I’m much clearer. And I have yet to stab anyone. (Regarding rebranding at least.) I can now answer, when anyone asks what Nonverbal Solutions does, that: We help people communicate authentically. This, unfortunately, isn’t the typical message associated with nonverbal communication.

For example, a lot of “body language” stuff out there revolves around how to get other people to do what you want. Whether it’s “create instant rapport!” or ” learn how to detect lying!” or in the legal field, “identify dangerous jurors!” the claim is that by learning to read and use body language you can manipulate a situation or person to your advantage.

This is unequivocally a misuse of nonverbal communication. (And makes me get all stabby again. Someone take my pens away.) People can sniff out manipulation or inauthenticity a mile away. So not only is it an abuse, it’s a waste.

People respond to authenticity. Yet we often carry around stories about who we think we should be, or how we think we should act, and end up putting on some sort of “show.” These stories get communicated through our nonverbals, even if we aren’t aware of it. That’s why it’s pointless to coach someone how to communicate they’re the best person for the job, when they don’t actually believe they’re the best person for the job. Nonverbal “techniques” don’t make a bit of difference in an interview (or a courtroom, boardroom or classroom) if the message the person is trying to communicate isn’t authentic.

Nonverbal communication assists us in becoming more authentic in two ways: 1) It helps us identify the stories we inadvertently communicate nonverbally and, 2) once we align with our authentic message, assists us in communicating that message in the most clear way possible.

So who am I? I’m authentic. At least I strive to be on a daily basis. And I’m on a mission to assist others in being more authentic too. I invite you to join me.

P.S. We’re working hard to design a website that more accurately conveys our message of authentic communication. Target date: November 2011. Sign up for email alerts to see the finished product!

This past weekend I attended a dinner party along with several deaf guests. In addition to speech-reading, they signed; so I dug up from the recesses of my brain some American Sign Language I learned back in high school. One of the women asked about my siblings. As I signed my reply, I remembered the importance of using location in ASL. When I spoke of myself, of course, I pointed to myself. But my sister and brother weren’t present. I “set up” locations that would stand for them: I pointed to a specific spot on my left to represent my sister and a spot on my right to represent my brother. From then on, I simply pointed to “the spot” and everyone knew who I was talking about.

Even if you don’t sign, you know that location holds memory. One morning, over a decade ago, I reached into the back of my lower kitchen cupboard and pulled out a pie pan, only to discover an ENORMOUS spider running around inside of it. (It was “THIS BIG.”) Even now, after years and years of spider-free pie pan fetching, I anxiously hold my breath every time I get it, remembering that once it contained a terrifying arachnid.

Effectively using location helps us communicate more clearly and consistently. Nonverbally, we can help people remember what we want them to remember and help them compartmentalize (forget) negative news or interactions.

For example, last week as I rehearsed parts of the Nonverbal Classroom Management workshop for Sari, she would sometimes call out, “You’re telling a story! Move to your story spot!” By delivering content in a different physical location from where I gave illustrations, participants knew to tune-in to the subject matter when I stood in the “teaching” spot and to access the right side of their brains when I moved to the “story” spot. They were able to switch mental gears and remember more when I was systematic in my use of location.

We can do this on a daily basis in our offices, courtrooms, classrooms, or wherever we are. To make a strong point, detach negative information from productive work space, change subjects, or “mark off” any part of our message, we can move or shift location to create a separation.

The pie pan in the back of my lower cupboard will forever be associated in my mind with that giant spider. If I can find a place in an upper cupboard to store the dish, I will likely forget the whole incident.

Off to rearrange my kitchen cupboards…

After speaking to a group of lawyers a few weeks ago, I received an email asking what I thought about the “mirroring technique.” For example, attorneys are told:

“When you are in voir dire, if a juror you are talking to tilts his head, tilt yours the same way. Try to mirror his body position as much as possible. And at a deposition, mirror the witness as much as you can and the witness will not know why, but the witness will like you and give you more info.”

This advice is also given to job seekers, sales people and, well, anyone interested in gaining instant “rapport.”

Here’s the deal.

We tend to mimic the body language of people we’re naturally close to. For example, if you observed me and my sister interact, you’d notice after about five or ten minutes that our body language is similar if not identical. Neither of us consciously thinks about doing this, it just happens. The thinking then goes that we can force this type of connection with strangers by mirroring their body language.

We cannot.

Mirroring is like wearing the same outfit as someone else. It provides a false sense of “we are the same.” But that doesn’t mean we don’t adapt our nonverbals to accommodate the person we’re communicating with. For example, if a person keeps the head still when speaking, curls the voice down, and gestures with palms down, this tells me they prefer to get to the “issue.” So I accommodate this need by discussing the issue while curling my voice down as well. But if someone curls the voice up or gestures with palms up this tells me they prefer to go to “relationship.” I accommodate this need by spending time getting to know them while also gesturing with my palms up or tilting my head to the side.

I adapt my communication to meet people where they are, instead of forcing a fake connection. And if what I’m doing isn’t working, I try something else. I match nonverbals not to manipulate, but to express my understanding. In other words, instead of acting as though I care, I actually care.

Authentic connection–not cheap tricks or gimmicks–leads to the rapport we seek.

Two weeks ago I spoke at an annual conference for a group consisting of the top 100 trial attorneys in the United States. Membership is invitation only. You must have one 10 million dollar verdict or three 1 million dollar verdicts to even be considered for membership.

I kept telling myself these were just regular people, and that worked, for a time. That is until I sat next to an attorney on the way back from an outing the day before my speech who, when I asked how he got to Santa Barbara for the conference answered, “On my lear jet.”

So I was a bit…(understatement of the year)…nervous.

When it came time for me to speak, I started with how the majority of “body language” stuff out there is, well, bunk. I don’t think it would be an overstatement to say that most of my audience was puzzled at my stance that reading the body language of jurors was pretty pointless. I mean, these guys (and 7 women! You GO girls…) spend thousands of dollars on consultants like myself to do just that.

But I can’t, in good faith, say that observing Juror A tap his foot, or watching Juror B tug at her hair will tell me anything meaningful in terms of the outcome of the trial. In fact, study after study have proven that juror traits and behaviors have little to do with a trial’s outcome, compared to what is under the lawyer’s control.

In other words, our own communication–something we can control–has a bigger impact on a case than carefully picking apart the body language of potential jurors.

So I stood there, and told this audience that no I won’t read the body language of jurors. But what I will do is teach you how to increase your own nonverbal intelligence. I’ll watch how you interact with the people around you–jurors, judges and counsel–and help you hone your nonverbal messages to increase receptivity. You don’t need to hire someone to be your eyes and ears nonverbally at trial, I said. Nonverbal intelligence isn’t something you can farm out.

And, well, somehow that made sense to them. Several attorneys scheduled me on the spot. More called afterwards. And I’m excited. About the work, sure. But I’m more excited to be changing the way people view and use nonverbal communication. People are sick of quick fixes and gimmicks. They’re eager to connect authentically with others. And that, as always, I’m happy to help with.

I’m on a mission to change the way we view and use nonverbal communication. Join the conversation! Visit us on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, (SariDLM) or sign up for our emails. We want to hear from you!

Reading the Oregonian this morning I came across an article about Joshua Turnridge, the man recently convicted and sentenced to death, along with his father, for the 2008 Woodburn bank bombing that killed two police officers and wounded two others.

It’s always of interest to me to read what the jury was thinking when making their decision, as I have worked as a jury consultant and am currently studying group dynamics in juries. What was particularly interesting about this morning’s article was the numerous references made to the nonverbal communication of Joshua Turnridge and the effect it had on the jury.

“They remembered his breezy confidence while testifying,” the Oregonian reported. “They noted how he stopped making eye contact with them when prosecutors attacked his statements.” “Juror Stephanie Deprima said she found herself looking for some sign of emotion. ‘Having to do this just went against my values and my morals,’ Deprima said. ‘Just give us something: remorse, expression, tears…We wanted to save them so badly, but there was such a lack of emotion and caring and compassion.’”

Not only was lack of remorse displayed through nonverbal communication, but the jurors also sensed Joshua Turnridge was lying by observing his body language. Steve Salisbury, another juror said, “Having kids, you can almost tell when someone is being truthful. He didn’t look at any of us again.”

Twelve jurors, at least one who publicly stated that ‘they wanted to save them so badly’ unanimously chose a sentence of death based on the inability of the defendant to show remorse, highlighting the huge impact nonverbal communication has on the decisions we make.

Even decisions of life or death.

I love pajamas. If I’m at home, I’m in my pajamas- no matter if it’s 10 a.m. or 2 p.m. Sometimes I even wear them to run errands. I wish I could wear them to work. But just like one outfit won’t get you through life, neither will one communication style.

Thinking it will is the biggest communication mistake you can make.

What do I mean by communication style?  It depends on who you’re listening to these days. One school of thought says you can be an expresser, driver, relater or analytical. Another divides it into colors. Yet another says people can be categorized as doers, thinkers, creators and listeners. Even one of our programs uses the analogy of household pets to understand the different ways people communicate.

There’s nothing wrong with learning about ourselves- it can be fun to label and compare. But fun isn’t the same as effective. All effective communicators have more than one way of communicating. They understand that not only do they need to be aware of their own preferences and biases, they need to be aware of other people’s preferences and biases. Good communication only happens when people are in sync. Knowing how you communicate is only half of the equation. Learning how to adapt to the person you’re communicating with is where the magic happens.

Lawyer jokes aside, I am going to assume that if you are practicing law you have a degree of intelligence. But are you nonverbally intelligent?

What I’m asking is, are you aware of what you are communicating nonverbally? What about what others are communicating? Do you know how to adjust your nonverbal communication to assist you during a trial? With a client? Nonverbal communication translates the majority of any message: Ignore it at your peril.

Here are three tips to increase your nonverbal intelligence.

1. Learn the difference between credible and approachable body language and voice patterns.

Use credible nonverbals when sending information, and approachable nonverbals when seeking information. Incongruent nonverbals send a mixed message. Using an approachable voice pattern to deliver an opening statement is just as ineffective as using a credible voice pattern to draw more input from a potential juror. Neither works. Knowing when to use one set of nonverbals versus another will increase your effectiveness in the courtroom or with clients.

2. Get your gestures under control.

Do you have any idea how powerful gesturing is? Gesture to your client while saying the words “manslaughter,” “murder” or “felony” and you might as well pack up and go home. You’ve attached the negative information to the client nonverbally. (On the flip side, prosecutors will want to do this.) Willy-nilly gesturing is not only ineffective, it is dangerous. Learn effective gesturing or reap the consequences.

3. Unlearn everything you know (or think you know) about eye contact.

We’ve all been taught that eye contact equals respect. Growing up, many of us heard, “Look at me when I talk to you!” Yet incorrect use of eye contact can potentially kill your case. As with gesturing, eye contact can attach the negative message to you or your client. The next time the judge interrupts you, don’t lock eye contact with the jurors. Instead, look down and wait. The jurors will look at the judge and associate the objection with him or her, not you. You come out clean.

Commit to increasing your nonverbal intelligence. Your case depends on it.