Communication Break-Down

I left the mall with my two girls in tow, trying to get to the car as fast as possible since I was freezing cold. But preschoolers don’t hurry; so we meandered around the perimeter of the building while they examined every pebble and twig, and I made gentle, patient, can-you-move-any-faster-for-crying-out-loud sounds.

Then I realized two people were walking behind us, conversing. I could care less what they were talking about (I wasn’t eavesdropping! Really!), but I couldn’t help but be intrigued by the nonverbals I heard.

Sometimes explaining, sometimes pleading, the woman in the dyad poured her heart out to the man walking with her. She spoke very quickly, with high breathing and Approachable voice pattern, signaling urgency and personal attachment to the story and outcome.

The man, however, maintained a calm, detached, Authoritative voice pattern through the entire conversation. His relaxed breathing conveyed that the woman’s emotional story didn’t impact him personally—he was neither agitated and concerned, nor impatient and bored. The warmth in his voice communicated understanding, yet the flat tone that curled down at the ends of statements suggested that he would not yield his position (whatever that was).

This seemed odd to me—incongruent. Why was the woman spilling her guts to someone who didn’t care? How was the man able to listen to such frantic jabber for so long without getting irritated? (Doubt I could!)

As the girls and I left the sidewalk and headed to the car, I couldn’t help but glance back. Suddenly, it all made sense. The man was a police officer!

I had assumed the two were personally acquainted. (Note to self: Don’t assume.) Had that been the case, the mismatched voice patterns would have made no sense. But their voice patterns matched their roles, not necessarily the content of the conversation.

What’s the point?

The definition of “appropriate” nonverbals changes depending on context, role, level of responsibility, relationship, and a whole host of other factors. Effectual communication, therefore, requires a wide range of nonverbal skills and the ability to discern which approach best fits the person and situation.

Learning the skills is just the beginning. Learning to apply them at the right time and place requires practice, practice, practice.

I’m not a big fan of “New Year’s Resolutions.” Seems to me, if you need to make changes in your life, do it. Why wait for an arbitrary date to live a better life? Having said that, setting goals and values only works if you check in periodically to see how you’re doing. And it makes the most sense to check back during times of transition, like the beginning of the year.

What do you want for 2012? Chances are, however you define it, you want more, you want higher, you want better.  

Or perhaps you and your life are already perfect.

<snicker>

Here’s the deal: No matter what field you work in—even if you work in isolation, even if you don’t like people, even if your work is technical—at some point you must interact with others. You must communicate. Your ability (or lack thereof) to communicate well, to get your intended message across, to gauge and influence receptivity, to command attention or convey openness… these skills will directly impact your value in the workplace.

All these skills require nonverbal intelligence. Increase your nonverbal intelligence, increase your capacity to accomplish and achieve.

Oh, and guess what. We can help you with that.

I have a friend who constantly misuses air quotes. You know what I mean. Where you hold your hands in the air and “quote” around something you’ve said to indicate to your listeners that they not take it at face value? Yeah, he does that, except he’ll “air quote” randomly. An example:

“So, yesterday, I was at the (air quote) ‘grocery store’ (air quote) when I came across…”

At which point we literally have to stop him and say, “Wait. Were you at the grocery store?” To which he’ll reply, in all earnestness, “Yes! Why?”

…

I was thinking about this the other day when I walked by a small food mart near my apartment that advertises itself as “natural.” But therein lies the problem. By putting quotes around the word “natural” I wondered if what they were selling really WAS natural. The quotes immediately put me on my guard. (That and the Hostess endcap I glimpsed from outside.)

Nonverbal communication is everywhere. It’s not just how we gesture, stand or hold ourselves while sitting, it’s communicated through our tone of voice, the clothes we wear, the words we use, and yes, even punctuation.

When we’re writing we use actual punctuation marks like commas, periods, quotation marks and the like. When we’re speaking we use pausing and gesturing, and the volume of our voice. The point is (if I have one) that nonverbal communication is all around us and communicates more strongly than the actual words.

So pay attention. Or you might “miss out.” (Really. You’ll miss out.)

Over the past 10 years, my weight has fluctuated a ton. Okay, not a literal ton. But due to stress eating, crash dieting (avoiding both of those nowadays), and a couple of pregnancies, my wardrobe includes items that range from size 4 to size 16. Only a few pieces fit me well. 

I’ve discovered that nothing feels as comfortable or looks as good as clothes that fit.

The right color, the right style, the latest fashion or trend? Doesn’t matter. It won’t feel good or look right if it’s not the right fit.

Like clothing, we “put on” nonverbals to meet the needs of the situation. Just as you wear suitable business attire to an important meeting or court appointment, you also coordinate your nonverbals to harmonize with your circumstances and message . But not only must your nonverbals fit the conditions, they must also fit you.

Here’s the problem: We don’t always know what fits us.

As I type this blog, I keep glancing down at my size 9 sandals. I’ve worn size 9 shoes since high school. Yet I recently discovered I’m actually an 8 ½. (Don’t ask me why it took me so long to figure this out. I think I just didn’t pay much attention to what was on my feet until last year when a friend forced me to buy a pair of amazing bright red stilettos.) Now that I know what fits my foot the best, I am uncomfortable in all my size 9 shoes. Not only are they too loose, I feel like I’m wearing clown shoes.

Obviously, I need to go shopping and replace all those shoes…  But first, let me finish this blog.

One reason we don’t know what fits us is that we change. We grow, we shift, we learn. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how much we have changed and therefore aren’t aware of what fits the “new” us. For example, over the past year my husband lost 35 pounds. When we went shopping to buy him new clothes, he kept trying on clothes that were way too big! He had not yet adjusted, in his mind, to his new size.

As we grow, mature, experience new things, and take on different roles and responsibilities, our nonverbal repertoire also expands. Yet we don’t always realize our range. With training and coaching in nonverbal communication skills, we become aware of our natural patterns, discover new ways of communicating, and “try them on” to see what fits.

On the one hand, you cannot communicate effectively by “putting on” nonverbals that don’t fit you personally. On the other hand, your personal nonverbal “wardrobe” probably includes a wider variety of voice patterns, postures, gestures, and facial expressions than you are aware of. The way we communicate must be “fitting” for the situation AND it must fit us personally. Yet we won’t find all the wonderful ways of communicating that do suit us if we aren’t willing to step out of our comfort zone from time to time.

It is possible to change and adapt while staying true to the “real” you .

In the spirit of this post, I am now off to the shoe store to find size 8 ½ shoes that fit, but that also will push my limits and make my wardrobe just a little more fabulous.  Fabulous is good.

Recently I picked up a book written by a “body language expert” who primarily works in the legal field. She talked about how she intently watches potential jurors, looking for tapping feet, clasping or unclasping of hands, crossed arms and the like. She even goes as far as to use her sense of smell: as jurors walk in she tries to pick up perfume or body odor.

Really?

I work with a lot of trial attorneys, and I can say, without hesitation, that of ALL of the things lawyers have to do and think about during trial, “smelling jurors” is not at the top of the list.

And yet, I get it. There is a deep seated need to put our hands on some sort of a “formula” that can, if not guarantee us results, at least predispose them in our favor.

The number one thing a trial attorney needs in court (or anyone looking to improve their communication, really) is the ability to adapt in the moment. And therein lies the problem: when we buy into a “formula” we stop being aware, and it all goes downhill.

It feels “safer” to believe that there’s only one way to conduct voir dire, opening statements or cross examination, but the truth of the matter is, (as Rick Friedman points out in his book On Becoming a Trial Lawyer) if you’re looking for safety, you’re in the wrong profession.

Increase your nonverbal intelligence and you’ll increase your success in the courtroom or anywhere else. Why nonverbal communication? Because it’s observable. If you want to get good at adapting to your circumstances, you have to be aware of what’s going on around you. To do that, you need to be able to observe something.

And no, it’s not random body language or body odor. (May I just register my creeped-outness here?) I’m not suggesting you watch other people’s body language and hallucinate (because that’s really what you’ll end up doing) about what they might be thinking or feeling. What I am suggesting is that you start to notice, as I mentioned in my last blog, how people are responding to what you’re doing, and adapt your communication based on that information.

What someone’s body odor communicates–outside of the fact that they might need to take a shower–is beyond me, but smell away, if you must.

On second thought, please don’t.

A few weeks ago I was assisting a legal team during a trial. The day before opening statements we received a brand new piece of discovery which made the opposing side look very bad. As we walked into the courtroom the following morning the paralegal took me aside and said, “Peter* is planning on nailing the opposing counsel during his opening statement with the news we got yesterday. He’s really going to let them have it. What do you think?”

I said, “It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what the jury thinks.”

We’re often so involved in what we’re going to say (content) and how we’re going to say it (delivery) that we forget the most important part of communication: how people will receive it (reception).

It makes sense, really. You can plan your content and practice your delivery, but you can’t know how people are going to receive your message until you’re in the act of delivering it. Not to mention most of us don’t know how to gauge how our message is being received, or what we can do differently if it isn’t being received well. We tend to think, “I’ll do the best I can, and then deal with people’s reactions afterwards.”

There’s a better way. Two ways, actually.

1) Increase your awareness, and

2) adapt your approach.

Nonverbal intelligence allows you to do both. If I know what to look for, I can watch carefully as I deliver my message and gauge the response. If I’m not getting the response I was hoping for, I can change what I’m doing.

For example, if Peter began his opening statement with the inflammatory information and the members of the jury pulled their heads back, shoulders up, and sat rigidly upright (a sign that people have stopped breathing), he could take that information as a sign that his listeners were not open to his “nail the opposing side” message. He could then drop his eyes and hands, walk to a new spot (while breathing) and continue with a softer approach.

The point is, it isn’t enough to know your content and deliver it well. You must always have an “eye” on your listener if you want to be successful.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

A few months ago I was driving to speak at an event I had titled “The Art of Being Out of Control.” As I sat waiting at a stoplight I reached into my purse and pulled out my MAC lipstick. I must have grabbed an old lipstick because I didn’t recognize the color right away. I turned the tube upside down to read the name:

High Strung.

This is funny if you know me even a little bit. Let’s just say that I am a “recovering” control freak. I had issues. Even my issues had issues.

I’m all better now, thank you for asking.

If we’re being honest though, I think we all have some control issues. Particularly around outcomes. My work is a great example: people often want to learn nonverbal “techniques” so they can get people to do what they want. In other words, they want a particular outcome.

What I’ve come to realize over the years is that the most effective communicators, leaders, etc, are people who switch from outcome-oriented thinking to option-oriented thinking. Instead of asking, “How do I get X to do Y?” they ask, “What are all the options here?” Nonverbal intelligence not only allows us to identify the various options available, it assists us in communicating effectively based on those options.

For example, if I need to fire someone, I can make up a story ahead of time about how I think they’ll react, how upset they’ll be, what a mess this is…. and boom! I walk into the meeting in fight or flight mode which my employee will naturally react to. If however, I focus on my breathing so that I remain calm, I can stay present to whatever happens. If my employee becomes angry, I can deal with it. But it might also be that they’re relieved, because they’d heard rumors, or perhaps they were dying to leave and are thrilled to be offered a severance package. The point is, I don’t know what will happen. But if I focus on one outcome–this person will become upset–I breathe high, cutting off oxygen to my brain and I lose all my resourcefulness. Instead, if I stay present and respond based on what is actually happening in the moment, I can better serve my employee, myself, and the needs of the situation.

Anyone can be “out of control.” The art of being out of control is letting go of our attachment to outcomes and instead opening ourselves up to possibility.

Recently I hired a local consulting firm to assist me with a website redesign. I’ve been doing a lot of courtroom work, and I wanted to add more courtroom content to our website. Over the course of several conversations it became clear that I not only needed a new website, but an entire new brand, and so the process began with MJ Petroni, principal at CauseIt, sitting me down and asking, “Who are you?”

“Who am I?” I replied, incredulous. “Don’t make me stab you in the eye with this pen,” I said.

(MJ reassures me this is a common reaction to this question.)

Seriously, though. Isn’t this a question we all struggle with our entire lives? Who the heck knows “who they are?” What does that even mean?

(For those of you hoping to never answer that question, I strongly advise you to avoid the rebrand process.)

I’m happy to report, however, that several weeks in, I’m much clearer. And I have yet to stab anyone. (Regarding rebranding at least.) I can now answer, when anyone asks what Nonverbal Solutions does, that: We help people communicate authentically. This, unfortunately, isn’t the typical message associated with nonverbal communication.

For example, a lot of “body language” stuff out there revolves around how to get other people to do what you want. Whether it’s “create instant rapport!” or ” learn how to detect lying!” or in the legal field, “identify dangerous jurors!” the claim is that by learning to read and use body language you can manipulate a situation or person to your advantage.

This is unequivocally a misuse of nonverbal communication. (And makes me get all stabby again. Someone take my pens away.) People can sniff out manipulation or inauthenticity a mile away. So not only is it an abuse, it’s a waste.

People respond to authenticity. Yet we often carry around stories about who we think we should be, or how we think we should act, and end up putting on some sort of “show.” These stories get communicated through our nonverbals, even if we aren’t aware of it. That’s why it’s pointless to coach someone how to communicate they’re the best person for the job, when they don’t actually believe they’re the best person for the job. Nonverbal “techniques” don’t make a bit of difference in an interview (or a courtroom, boardroom or classroom) if the message the person is trying to communicate isn’t authentic.

Nonverbal communication assists us in becoming more authentic in two ways: 1) It helps us identify the stories we inadvertently communicate nonverbally and, 2) once we align with our authentic message, assists us in communicating that message in the most clear way possible.

So who am I? I’m authentic. At least I strive to be on a daily basis. And I’m on a mission to assist others in being more authentic too. I invite you to join me.

P.S. We’re working hard to design a website that more accurately conveys our message of authentic communication. Target date: November 2011. Sign up for email alerts to see the finished product!

After speaking to a group of lawyers a few weeks ago, I received an email asking what I thought about the “mirroring technique.” For example, attorneys are told:

“When you are in voir dire, if a juror you are talking to tilts his head, tilt yours the same way. Try to mirror his body position as much as possible. And at a deposition, mirror the witness as much as you can and the witness will not know why, but the witness will like you and give you more info.”

This advice is also given to job seekers, sales people and, well, anyone interested in gaining instant “rapport.”

Here’s the deal.

We tend to mimic the body language of people we’re naturally close to. For example, if you observed me and my sister interact, you’d notice after about five or ten minutes that our body language is similar if not identical. Neither of us consciously thinks about doing this, it just happens. The thinking then goes that we can force this type of connection with strangers by mirroring their body language.

We cannot.

Mirroring is like wearing the same outfit as someone else. It provides a false sense of “we are the same.” But that doesn’t mean we don’t adapt our nonverbals to accommodate the person we’re communicating with. For example, if a person keeps the head still when speaking, curls the voice down, and gestures with palms down, this tells me they prefer to get to the “issue.” So I accommodate this need by discussing the issue while curling my voice down as well. But if someone curls the voice up or gestures with palms up this tells me they prefer to go to “relationship.” I accommodate this need by spending time getting to know them while also gesturing with my palms up or tilting my head to the side.

I adapt my communication to meet people where they are, instead of forcing a fake connection. And if what I’m doing isn’t working, I try something else. I match nonverbals not to manipulate, but to express my understanding. In other words, instead of acting as though I care, I actually care.

Authentic connection–not cheap tricks or gimmicks–leads to the rapport we seek.

Two weeks ago I spoke at an annual conference for a group consisting of the top 100 trial attorneys in the United States. Membership is invitation only. You must have one 10 million dollar verdict or three 1 million dollar verdicts to even be considered for membership.

I kept telling myself these were just regular people, and that worked, for a time. That is until I sat next to an attorney on the way back from an outing the day before my speech who, when I asked how he got to Santa Barbara for the conference answered, “On my lear jet.”

So I was a bit…(understatement of the year)…nervous.

When it came time for me to speak, I started with how the majority of “body language” stuff out there is, well, bunk. I don’t think it would be an overstatement to say that most of my audience was puzzled at my stance that reading the body language of jurors was pretty pointless. I mean, these guys (and 7 women! You GO girls…) spend thousands of dollars on consultants like myself to do just that.

But I can’t, in good faith, say that observing Juror A tap his foot, or watching Juror B tug at her hair will tell me anything meaningful in terms of the outcome of the trial. In fact, study after study have proven that juror traits and behaviors have little to do with a trial’s outcome, compared to what is under the lawyer’s control.

In other words, our own communication–something we can control–has a bigger impact on a case than carefully picking apart the body language of potential jurors.

So I stood there, and told this audience that no I won’t read the body language of jurors. But what I will do is teach you how to increase your own nonverbal intelligence. I’ll watch how you interact with the people around you–jurors, judges and counsel–and help you hone your nonverbal messages to increase receptivity. You don’t need to hire someone to be your eyes and ears nonverbally at trial, I said. Nonverbal intelligence isn’t something you can farm out.

And, well, somehow that made sense to them. Several attorneys scheduled me on the spot. More called afterwards. And I’m excited. About the work, sure. But I’m more excited to be changing the way people view and use nonverbal communication. People are sick of quick fixes and gimmicks. They’re eager to connect authentically with others. And that, as always, I’m happy to help with.

I’m on a mission to change the way we view and use nonverbal communication. Join the conversation! Visit us on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, (SariDLM) or sign up for our emails. We want to hear from you!