Communication Break-Down

Whether or not you participate in the upcoming holiday season, the end of the year impacts our entire culture. For many, it is a time of joy and fun. Yet, it also brings some added STRESS. At the mall last week I was struck by the number of people I heard say, “I’m soooo tired!” Businesses must meet the demands of increased sales, traffic, and communication as year-end deadlines loom. Everything gets kicked up a notch during the last month of the year, and that pressure can spill over into our relationships.

At Nonverbal Solutions, we strive to improve business and personal relationships by making communication safe. When defending ourselves, we can’t think creatively and process logically. In essence, we can’t hear and we can’t speak. Our nonverbal communication strategies—such as systematic use of eye contact, employing appropriate voice patterns, or effective handling of location—increase clarity, depersonalize conflict, and reduce tension.

Many of these techniques, however, come down to the ability to breathe.

Another sales associate just called in sick? Breathe. Your website just went down? Breathe. Your wife is upset over the number of hours you’re working? Breathe.

You’ll think better.

You’ll feel better.

You’ll communicate better.

Ever feel like your “work” consists of attending meetings?

It can take so much time to discuss what we want to do, what we will do, and what we did, that little time remains in the work day for actual doing. It reminds me of this “demotivational” poster:

We need meetings. Yet how do you communicate that time is a precious commodity and not to be wasted? How can you stay on track?

Many meeting facilitators prepare an Agenda beforehand. Great!! Now use it systematically and purposefully to direct meetings.

• Be specific. List exactly what needs to be discussed and how many minutes are allocated to each item.
• Be consistent. Appoint a Schedule Czar to give warnings when time is running out—if the matter clearly needs more attention and discussion, schedule a separate meeting.
• Keep it visible. If your Agenda is the first slide of your Power Point presentation which shows up once and is never seen again, it can’t help you. Get it off to the side—on a white board, a separate screen, a flip chart, etc. Its presence provides a constant, silent reminder of the tasks and topics at hand.  
• Refer to it. Turn and look at the Agenda as you transition between topics. Communicate that it guides the discussion.   
• Let the Agenda be the bad guy. Any time the meeting begins to derail, instead of verbally trying to steer the conversation back, let the Agenda do it nonverbally. Just as the Agenda confirms what will be covered, allow it to settle what won’t be covered. When a satellite topic arises, turn and look at the Agenda. If necessary, you can say, “That’s not on the Agenda for today.” Breathe. Wait. Once you sense that the topic has been dropped (participants will begin breathing again), get back to business.

 Just think of how many more meetings you’ll be able to schedule with all the time you’ll save!!

(Photo courtesy of www.despair.com. Thanks!)

Perhaps you’ve heard the adage, “You can choose your friends, but not your family.” In an office environment, the same can be true for coworkers. Sometimes you must work closely with difficult people. And even if you love your coworkers like family, the more time you spend with someone, the chance for conflict to arise increases.

Over a month ago, I came across an online article titled “Office Conflict Resolution: 11 Communication Tips for a Healthy Workplace.” Tip #3 caught my attention: Depersonalize Conflicts. Immediately, I began writing a blog on the subject.

Why did it take a month to complete? Because it’s a huge topic, and can’t be covered in a single blog. Maybe not even in a series of blogs. At Nonverbal Solutions we offer an entire workshop on how to deliver negative information without becoming the bad guy (Don’t Shoot the Messenger) and another whole workshop on dealing with difficult personalities and behaviors (Cats & Dogs).

I can’t, however, just let the topic lie.

Though some personalities enjoy and invite conflict, most of us find it stressful to navigate. And despite our best efforts, a negative exchange can easily escalate into an ugly altercation. Why?

1. When we feel threatened, we go into a “fight-or-flight” response.
2. In fight-or-flight, the “thinking” part of our brain (the cortex) shuts down and the “emotional/survival” part of the brain (the limbic system) takes over. We react instinctively, instead of thinking rationally.
3. This hinders our ability to learn new things or creatively problem-solve.
4. More importantly (in terms of nonverbal communication), when we go into fight-or-flight we send the message that we are attached to the issue and take the disagreement personally.
5. The person we are in conflict with senses this and gears up for a defensive maneuver or battle.

How do we communicate that we’re in fight-or-flight? By rapid, shallow breathing. When we’re in state of stress, we breathe more quickly to get oxygen to our muscles so that we can—you guessed it!—fight or fly. And while most people won’t consciously notice breathing patterns in others, they will pick up on a general feeling of discomfort and anxiety. That in turn makes them uncomfortable and anxious. They, then, don’t feel safe. They also go into fight-or-flight. Now everyone in the room’s muscles are ready for action… and everyone’s brains are shut down.

B r e a t h e.

Physiologically, breathing gets oxygen to your brain so you can think more clearly. Nonverbally, it communicates that you are safe, unattached, and capable of rational thought. It tells others that they are safe with you; this isn’t personal. Numerous other tips—such as effective use of visual information, timely use of eye contact, and proper body positioning—will help too, but only when paired with deep, slow, relaxed breathing. 

So take a nice, deep breath the next time you’re facing a difficult situation—you’ll think better, you’ll feel better, and so will everyone else.

This past weekend I attended a dinner party along with several deaf guests. In addition to speech-reading, they signed; so I dug up from the recesses of my brain some American Sign Language I learned back in high school. One of the women asked about my siblings. As I signed my reply, I remembered the importance of using location in ASL. When I spoke of myself, of course, I pointed to myself. But my sister and brother weren’t present. I “set up” locations that would stand for them: I pointed to a specific spot on my left to represent my sister and a spot on my right to represent my brother. From then on, I simply pointed to “the spot” and everyone knew who I was talking about.

Even if you don’t sign, you know that location holds memory. One morning, over a decade ago, I reached into the back of my lower kitchen cupboard and pulled out a pie pan, only to discover an ENORMOUS spider running around inside of it. (It was “THIS BIG.”) Even now, after years and years of spider-free pie pan fetching, I anxiously hold my breath every time I get it, remembering that once it contained a terrifying arachnid.

Effectively using location helps us communicate more clearly and consistently. Nonverbally, we can help people remember what we want them to remember and help them compartmentalize (forget) negative news or interactions.

For example, last week as I rehearsed parts of the Nonverbal Classroom Management workshop for Sari, she would sometimes call out, “You’re telling a story! Move to your story spot!” By delivering content in a different physical location from where I gave illustrations, participants knew to tune-in to the subject matter when I stood in the “teaching” spot and to access the right side of their brains when I moved to the “story” spot. They were able to switch mental gears and remember more when I was systematic in my use of location.

We can do this on a daily basis in our offices, courtrooms, classrooms, or wherever we are. To make a strong point, detach negative information from productive work space, change subjects, or “mark off” any part of our message, we can move or shift location to create a separation.

The pie pan in the back of my lower cupboard will forever be associated in my mind with that giant spider. If I can find a place in an upper cupboard to store the dish, I will likely forget the whole incident.

Off to rearrange my kitchen cupboards…

I did it. It’s done. Finally. And it only took three times longer than I expected it to!

You’d never think someone who speaks for a living would have such a hard time getting those same words down on the page, but hoo boy, writing is a completely different animal than getting up and speaking in front of people.

But it’s done.

I can’t speak for all writers, but what I feel after finishing the book falls somewhere between sheer elation and massive panic. I mean, it’s done, but no one except nearest and dearest have read it.

I suppose I should tell you what it’s about. It’s called, Beyond a Firm Handshake: 21 Ways to Communicate You’re the Right Person for the Job and focuses on how to get and nail the interview. I wrote it for several reasons: 1) so many people are looking for work right now, it just made sense to focus on how nonverbal communication can assist the job seeker, 2) my business manager told me to, and I usually do what he says and 3) most of the “body language” advice in current interview prep books is just plain stupid. And insulting.

For example, flip open any interview book and you’ll find advice like, “Use a firm handshake,” “Maintain eye contact” and “Sit with good posture.” And unless you’re 16 years old and looking for your first job, most people respond with, “Well, duh.”

MY eBook is different, of course. Beyond a Firm Handshake: 21 Ways to Communicate You’re the Right Person for the Job goes beyond a firm handshake and other obvious “body language” advice—although I’ve included some for fun—and gives you practical tools you can use to increase your nonverbal intelligence. This will ensure you communicate clearly, leading to increased interviewing capacity, and eventually, the job of your dreams.

At least that’s what the intro says.

More seriously, you’ll learn:

• Why no one is reading your resume
• How to turn the phone screen into a face-to-face interview
• Why “friendly” hiring managers can be dangerous
• What to bring, and more importantly, avoid bringing to the interview
• Why your interview begins and ends in the parking lot
• What it really means to be “likeable”
• How to handle illegal, trick or just plain weird questions
• Why you should never, ever call to follow up
• And more!

You can download a PDF copy at our website for $8.99 or stay tuned for the announcement of when it’s available for Kindle, iPad, Sony Reader, Nook and other eReader devices.

You get a free copy if you register for our upcoming workshop: Beyond a Firm Handshake-Acing the Interview Before You Speak on May 18th when I team up with Stacey Lane, a local career coach. And finally, if you want to hear me talk about the types of things I write about in the book, you can listen to my recent interview with Career Studios.

Happy reading!

Last week I published a blog on the five things you might be doing to annoy your co-workers. Several people asked me what to do if you were on the receiving end of the annoyance, so here ya go:

1. Talking too loud. There isn’t much you can do about a loud talker. Loud talkers are notoriously unaware. Unfortunately, the only way to bring it to their attention is to point it out to them. Once, my husband and I were breakfasting in a cafe and the gentleman next to us was speaking so loudly, we literally couldn’t hold a conversation. To my husband’s horror, I leaned over and asked the gentleman if he could lower his voice. He flushed from his neck to his temples, apologized profusely and said he hadn’t realized he’d been talking so loud. Not every interaction will go as well as this one, but if you try, you’ll at least make them aware of the problem. Just be nice. It helps to say it as though you assume they don’t know they are annoying the heck out of everyone around them.

2. Talking too fast. This too, is hard to correct, so your job is to continually ask the person to repeat themselves since you didn’t catch half of what they said. “What? I didn’t catch that.” “What? I didn’t catch that.” “What?…” and then send them to me for coaching.

3. Talking too much. This I can help you with. The number one way to stop an incessant talker is to go visual. If you are conducting a meeting, and the person continues to pipe up, looping the conversation back to subjects already covered in depth, write down what they are saying. Then turn, looking at the incessant talker and ask, “is what you’re saying,” -turning to the visual- “any different than this?” Continue to look at the visual, because if you look back at the person, the verbal diarrhea will start up again. It’s very difficult to argue with something that isn’t looking or talking to you.

4. Talking incongruently. Most of us aren’t aware of our own voice patterns so this is less annoying than inefficient. Focus on using your own voice congruently. Sure, it will begin to annoy you as you hear others who don’t follow this rule, but your success will continue to increase, so who cares!

5. Talking at all. One more skill for those of you dealing with the incessant talker. It’s what I like to call the polite way to interrupt. Ever been in those meetings where the IT (incessant talker) goes on and on and on, and no one knows how to jump in because they’re afraid of ruffling feathers? Here’s what you do. The next time IT begins to take over the meeting, put your hand out in front of you, palm down, freeze the gesture, and curling the voice down, loudly say, “I think,” (or whatever phrase you’d like to use) and then stop. If you were loud enough, the IT will stop talking and everyone will turn to look at you. (Hopefully you’re ok with the attention.) Pause. This is very important. Since you spoke loudly, you’ve shocked everyone, which means they aren’t breathing. You don’t want to say anything until you’ve paused and breathed. This will force everyone in the room to breathe as well. After pausing, then curl your voice up, turn the palm up, and in a soft voice, repeat, “I think,” and continue with your sentence. The change in nonverbals (credible voice to approachable voice) along with the pause will cause amnesia, allowing you to redirect the meeting.

Difficult skill to write about, but it works like a charm.

Hope this helps, I’ll be writing more on workplace issues in the months to come, thanks for stopping by.

1. Talking too loud. We’re more in-tune with a person’s voice than any other nonverbal. This means we affect people by curling our voice up or down, speaking fast or slow, and yes, speaking softly or loudly. Loud talkers are rarely aware that they’re so anno…I mean, loud, so if you don’t think this is you, let’s check, shall we? Here’s a short quiz: Do most of your cubemates wear headphones? Do people back away as you stand in the hall chatting? Do most people take the seats in the back of the room at your presentations? If you answered yes to even one of those questions, you’re a loud talker. Reduce your volume and watch how differently people react to you. (Hint: they’ll stop wearing ear muffs at meetings.)

2. Talking too fast. I suffer from this myself. Visual learners speak quickly because we literally cannot get the thoughts out of our heads as fast as we “see” them. Slow yourself down by adding a pause between sentences. To assist this, close your lips during the pause. It looks more intelligent.

3. Talking too much. Since I speak for a living, I always have a lot to say. It gets me in trouble. I’m sure if I had co-workers, I’d annoy them. I already annoy my friend Rachel with my constant email blather. Talking too much means people will eventually tune you out. You risk becoming the Charlie Brown teacher. “Mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa.” You too can utilize the pause to help cut down on the never-ending chatter, but focus also on getting rid of “filler” phrases such as, “now we’re going to,” or “so as you can see” etc. Think before you speak. Oh. And listen more. Listening = good. Being the never-ending bore = bad.

4. Talking incongruently. Perhaps you curl your voice up when giving someone bad news to soften the blow. Or you curl it down when asking for input. In either case, using an incongruent voice pattern won’t get you the results you’re looking for and will annoy the heck out of your co-workers. Curl your voice up when seeking information, and down when sending information.

5. Talking at all. Sometimes, we should really just shut up all together. For example, I have the tendency to ask questions in workshops and then answer them myself. If you suffer from talking-too-much syndrome, and people have already tuned you out, try not talking at all or very little during the next meeting. When you do pipe up the next time, people will be more apt to listen since they haven’t heard your voice in awhile.

This has been a public service announcement from annoyed co-workers everywhere.