Communication Break-Down

Recently I picked up a book written by a “body language expert” who primarily works in the legal field. She talked about how she intently watches potential jurors, looking for tapping feet, clasping or unclasping of hands, crossed arms and the like. She even goes as far as to use her sense of smell: as jurors walk in she tries to pick up perfume or body odor.

Really?

I work with a lot of trial attorneys, and I can say, without hesitation, that of ALL of the things lawyers have to do and think about during trial, “smelling jurors” is not at the top of the list.

And yet, I get it. There is a deep seated need to put our hands on some sort of a “formula” that can, if not guarantee us results, at least predispose them in our favor.

The number one thing a trial attorney needs in court (or anyone looking to improve their communication, really) is the ability to adapt in the moment. And therein lies the problem: when we buy into a “formula” we stop being aware, and it all goes downhill.

It feels “safer” to believe that there’s only one way to conduct voir dire, opening statements or cross examination, but the truth of the matter is, (as Rick Friedman points out in his book On Becoming a Trial Lawyer) if you’re looking for safety, you’re in the wrong profession.

Increase your nonverbal intelligence and you’ll increase your success in the courtroom or anywhere else. Why nonverbal communication? Because it’s observable. If you want to get good at adapting to your circumstances, you have to be aware of what’s going on around you. To do that, you need to be able to observe something.

And no, it’s not random body language or body odor. (May I just register my creeped-outness here?) I’m not suggesting you watch other people’s body language and hallucinate (because that’s really what you’ll end up doing) about what they might be thinking or feeling. What I am suggesting is that you start to notice, as I mentioned in my last blog, how people are responding to what you’re doing, and adapt your communication based on that information.

What someone’s body odor communicates–outside of the fact that they might need to take a shower–is beyond me, but smell away, if you must.

On second thought, please don’t.

A few weeks ago I was assisting a legal team during a trial. The day before opening statements we received a brand new piece of discovery which made the opposing side look very bad. As we walked into the courtroom the following morning the paralegal took me aside and said, “Peter* is planning on nailing the opposing counsel during his opening statement with the news we got yesterday. He’s really going to let them have it. What do you think?”

I said, “It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what the jury thinks.”

We’re often so involved in what we’re going to say (content) and how we’re going to say it (delivery) that we forget the most important part of communication: how people will receive it (reception).

It makes sense, really. You can plan your content and practice your delivery, but you can’t know how people are going to receive your message until you’re in the act of delivering it. Not to mention most of us don’t know how to gauge how our message is being received, or what we can do differently if it isn’t being received well. We tend to think, “I’ll do the best I can, and then deal with people’s reactions afterwards.”

There’s a better way. Two ways, actually.

1) Increase your awareness, and

2) adapt your approach.

Nonverbal intelligence allows you to do both. If I know what to look for, I can watch carefully as I deliver my message and gauge the response. If I’m not getting the response I was hoping for, I can change what I’m doing.

For example, if Peter began his opening statement with the inflammatory information and the members of the jury pulled their heads back, shoulders up, and sat rigidly upright (a sign that people have stopped breathing), he could take that information as a sign that his listeners were not open to his “nail the opposing side” message. He could then drop his eyes and hands, walk to a new spot (while breathing) and continue with a softer approach.

The point is, it isn’t enough to know your content and deliver it well. You must always have an “eye” on your listener if you want to be successful.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

A few months ago I was driving to speak at an event I had titled “The Art of Being Out of Control.” As I sat waiting at a stoplight I reached into my purse and pulled out my MAC lipstick. I must have grabbed an old lipstick because I didn’t recognize the color right away. I turned the tube upside down to read the name:

High Strung.

This is funny if you know me even a little bit. Let’s just say that I am a “recovering” control freak. I had issues. Even my issues had issues.

I’m all better now, thank you for asking.

If we’re being honest though, I think we all have some control issues. Particularly around outcomes. My work is a great example: people often want to learn nonverbal “techniques” so they can get people to do what they want. In other words, they want a particular outcome.

What I’ve come to realize over the years is that the most effective communicators, leaders, etc, are people who switch from outcome-oriented thinking to option-oriented thinking. Instead of asking, “How do I get X to do Y?” they ask, “What are all the options here?” Nonverbal intelligence not only allows us to identify the various options available, it assists us in communicating effectively based on those options.

For example, if I need to fire someone, I can make up a story ahead of time about how I think they’ll react, how upset they’ll be, what a mess this is…. and boom! I walk into the meeting in fight or flight mode which my employee will naturally react to. If however, I focus on my breathing so that I remain calm, I can stay present to whatever happens. If my employee becomes angry, I can deal with it. But it might also be that they’re relieved, because they’d heard rumors, or perhaps they were dying to leave and are thrilled to be offered a severance package. The point is, I don’t know what will happen. But if I focus on one outcome–this person will become upset–I breathe high, cutting off oxygen to my brain and I lose all my resourcefulness. Instead, if I stay present and respond based on what is actually happening in the moment, I can better serve my employee, myself, and the needs of the situation.

Anyone can be “out of control.” The art of being out of control is letting go of our attachment to outcomes and instead opening ourselves up to possibility.

Recently I hired a local consulting firm to assist me with a website redesign. I’ve been doing a lot of courtroom work, and I wanted to add more courtroom content to our website. Over the course of several conversations it became clear that I not only needed a new website, but an entire new brand, and so the process began with MJ Petroni, principal at CauseIt, sitting me down and asking, “Who are you?”

“Who am I?” I replied, incredulous. “Don’t make me stab you in the eye with this pen,” I said.

(MJ reassures me this is a common reaction to this question.)

Seriously, though. Isn’t this a question we all struggle with our entire lives? Who the heck knows “who they are?” What does that even mean?

(For those of you hoping to never answer that question, I strongly advise you to avoid the rebrand process.)

I’m happy to report, however, that several weeks in, I’m much clearer. And I have yet to stab anyone. (Regarding rebranding at least.) I can now answer, when anyone asks what Nonverbal Solutions does, that: We help people communicate authentically. This, unfortunately, isn’t the typical message associated with nonverbal communication.

For example, a lot of “body language” stuff out there revolves around how to get other people to do what you want. Whether it’s “create instant rapport!” or ” learn how to detect lying!” or in the legal field, “identify dangerous jurors!” the claim is that by learning to read and use body language you can manipulate a situation or person to your advantage.

This is unequivocally a misuse of nonverbal communication. (And makes me get all stabby again. Someone take my pens away.) People can sniff out manipulation or inauthenticity a mile away. So not only is it an abuse, it’s a waste.

People respond to authenticity. Yet we often carry around stories about who we think we should be, or how we think we should act, and end up putting on some sort of “show.” These stories get communicated through our nonverbals, even if we aren’t aware of it. That’s why it’s pointless to coach someone how to communicate they’re the best person for the job, when they don’t actually believe they’re the best person for the job. Nonverbal “techniques” don’t make a bit of difference in an interview (or a courtroom, boardroom or classroom) if the message the person is trying to communicate isn’t authentic.

Nonverbal communication assists us in becoming more authentic in two ways: 1) It helps us identify the stories we inadvertently communicate nonverbally and, 2) once we align with our authentic message, assists us in communicating that message in the most clear way possible.

So who am I? I’m authentic. At least I strive to be on a daily basis. And I’m on a mission to assist others in being more authentic too. I invite you to join me.

P.S. We’re working hard to design a website that more accurately conveys our message of authentic communication. Target date: November 2011. Sign up for email alerts to see the finished product!

Perhaps you’ve heard the adage, “You can choose your friends, but not your family.” In an office environment, the same can be true for coworkers. Sometimes you must work closely with difficult people. And even if you love your coworkers like family, the more time you spend with someone, the chance for conflict to arise increases.

Over a month ago, I came across an online article titled “Office Conflict Resolution: 11 Communication Tips for a Healthy Workplace.” Tip #3 caught my attention: Depersonalize Conflicts. Immediately, I began writing a blog on the subject.

Why did it take a month to complete? Because it’s a huge topic, and can’t be covered in a single blog. Maybe not even in a series of blogs. At Nonverbal Solutions we offer an entire workshop on how to deliver negative information without becoming the bad guy (Don’t Shoot the Messenger) and another whole workshop on dealing with difficult personalities and behaviors (Cats & Dogs).

I can’t, however, just let the topic lie.

Though some personalities enjoy and invite conflict, most of us find it stressful to navigate. And despite our best efforts, a negative exchange can easily escalate into an ugly altercation. Why?

1. When we feel threatened, we go into a “fight-or-flight” response.
2. In fight-or-flight, the “thinking” part of our brain (the cortex) shuts down and the “emotional/survival” part of the brain (the limbic system) takes over. We react instinctively, instead of thinking rationally.
3. This hinders our ability to learn new things or creatively problem-solve.
4. More importantly (in terms of nonverbal communication), when we go into fight-or-flight we send the message that we are attached to the issue and take the disagreement personally.
5. The person we are in conflict with senses this and gears up for a defensive maneuver or battle.

How do we communicate that we’re in fight-or-flight? By rapid, shallow breathing. When we’re in state of stress, we breathe more quickly to get oxygen to our muscles so that we can—you guessed it!—fight or fly. And while most people won’t consciously notice breathing patterns in others, they will pick up on a general feeling of discomfort and anxiety. That in turn makes them uncomfortable and anxious. They, then, don’t feel safe. They also go into fight-or-flight. Now everyone in the room’s muscles are ready for action… and everyone’s brains are shut down.

B r e a t h e.

Physiologically, breathing gets oxygen to your brain so you can think more clearly. Nonverbally, it communicates that you are safe, unattached, and capable of rational thought. It tells others that they are safe with you; this isn’t personal. Numerous other tips—such as effective use of visual information, timely use of eye contact, and proper body positioning—will help too, but only when paired with deep, slow, relaxed breathing. 

So take a nice, deep breath the next time you’re facing a difficult situation—you’ll think better, you’ll feel better, and so will everyone else.

This past weekend I attended a dinner party along with several deaf guests. In addition to speech-reading, they signed; so I dug up from the recesses of my brain some American Sign Language I learned back in high school. One of the women asked about my siblings. As I signed my reply, I remembered the importance of using location in ASL. When I spoke of myself, of course, I pointed to myself. But my sister and brother weren’t present. I “set up” locations that would stand for them: I pointed to a specific spot on my left to represent my sister and a spot on my right to represent my brother. From then on, I simply pointed to “the spot” and everyone knew who I was talking about.

Even if you don’t sign, you know that location holds memory. One morning, over a decade ago, I reached into the back of my lower kitchen cupboard and pulled out a pie pan, only to discover an ENORMOUS spider running around inside of it. (It was “THIS BIG.”) Even now, after years and years of spider-free pie pan fetching, I anxiously hold my breath every time I get it, remembering that once it contained a terrifying arachnid.

Effectively using location helps us communicate more clearly and consistently. Nonverbally, we can help people remember what we want them to remember and help them compartmentalize (forget) negative news or interactions.

For example, last week as I rehearsed parts of the Nonverbal Classroom Management workshop for Sari, she would sometimes call out, “You’re telling a story! Move to your story spot!” By delivering content in a different physical location from where I gave illustrations, participants knew to tune-in to the subject matter when I stood in the “teaching” spot and to access the right side of their brains when I moved to the “story” spot. They were able to switch mental gears and remember more when I was systematic in my use of location.

We can do this on a daily basis in our offices, courtrooms, classrooms, or wherever we are. To make a strong point, detach negative information from productive work space, change subjects, or “mark off” any part of our message, we can move or shift location to create a separation.

The pie pan in the back of my lower cupboard will forever be associated in my mind with that giant spider. If I can find a place in an upper cupboard to store the dish, I will likely forget the whole incident.

Off to rearrange my kitchen cupboards…

After speaking to a group of lawyers a few weeks ago, I received an email asking what I thought about the “mirroring technique.” For example, attorneys are told:

“When you are in voir dire, if a juror you are talking to tilts his head, tilt yours the same way. Try to mirror his body position as much as possible. And at a deposition, mirror the witness as much as you can and the witness will not know why, but the witness will like you and give you more info.”

This advice is also given to job seekers, sales people and, well, anyone interested in gaining instant “rapport.”

Here’s the deal.

We tend to mimic the body language of people we’re naturally close to. For example, if you observed me and my sister interact, you’d notice after about five or ten minutes that our body language is similar if not identical. Neither of us consciously thinks about doing this, it just happens. The thinking then goes that we can force this type of connection with strangers by mirroring their body language.

We cannot.

Mirroring is like wearing the same outfit as someone else. It provides a false sense of “we are the same.” But that doesn’t mean we don’t adapt our nonverbals to accommodate the person we’re communicating with. For example, if a person keeps the head still when speaking, curls the voice down, and gestures with palms down, this tells me they prefer to get to the “issue.” So I accommodate this need by discussing the issue while curling my voice down as well. But if someone curls the voice up or gestures with palms up this tells me they prefer to go to “relationship.” I accommodate this need by spending time getting to know them while also gesturing with my palms up or tilting my head to the side.

I adapt my communication to meet people where they are, instead of forcing a fake connection. And if what I’m doing isn’t working, I try something else. I match nonverbals not to manipulate, but to express my understanding. In other words, instead of acting as though I care, I actually care.

Authentic connection–not cheap tricks or gimmicks–leads to the rapport we seek.

Two weeks ago I spoke at an annual conference for a group consisting of the top 100 trial attorneys in the United States. Membership is invitation only. You must have one 10 million dollar verdict or three 1 million dollar verdicts to even be considered for membership.

I kept telling myself these were just regular people, and that worked, for a time. That is until I sat next to an attorney on the way back from an outing the day before my speech who, when I asked how he got to Santa Barbara for the conference answered, “On my lear jet.”

So I was a bit…(understatement of the year)…nervous.

When it came time for me to speak, I started with how the majority of “body language” stuff out there is, well, bunk. I don’t think it would be an overstatement to say that most of my audience was puzzled at my stance that reading the body language of jurors was pretty pointless. I mean, these guys (and 7 women! You GO girls…) spend thousands of dollars on consultants like myself to do just that.

But I can’t, in good faith, say that observing Juror A tap his foot, or watching Juror B tug at her hair will tell me anything meaningful in terms of the outcome of the trial. In fact, study after study have proven that juror traits and behaviors have little to do with a trial’s outcome, compared to what is under the lawyer’s control.

In other words, our own communication–something we can control–has a bigger impact on a case than carefully picking apart the body language of potential jurors.

So I stood there, and told this audience that no I won’t read the body language of jurors. But what I will do is teach you how to increase your own nonverbal intelligence. I’ll watch how you interact with the people around you–jurors, judges and counsel–and help you hone your nonverbal messages to increase receptivity. You don’t need to hire someone to be your eyes and ears nonverbally at trial, I said. Nonverbal intelligence isn’t something you can farm out.

And, well, somehow that made sense to them. Several attorneys scheduled me on the spot. More called afterwards. And I’m excited. About the work, sure. But I’m more excited to be changing the way people view and use nonverbal communication. People are sick of quick fixes and gimmicks. They’re eager to connect authentically with others. And that, as always, I’m happy to help with.

I’m on a mission to change the way we view and use nonverbal communication. Join the conversation! Visit us on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, (SariDLM) or sign up for our emails. We want to hear from you!

I returned home last week from my vacation in Finland.

My parents were born there, and my sister and I are dual citizens. Our family owns a cabin in Puolanka, and we try to go every other year for at least three weeks.

“Visiting” is the entertainment of choice in this small town, and by “visiting” I mean, drop-in-unannounced-and-stay-for-several-hours. I have 16 aunts and uncles–not including spouses–over 50 first cousins, hundreds of second and third cousins, and many live in the area. So on most days, the cabin is full of people drinking coffee, eating cake and speaking a language my husband has only learned to swear in.

Visiting is so much a part of the culture, in fact, that the Finns have designed a nifty nonverbal way to alert people roaming the neighborhood in search of sugar and caffeine that they need not make the trip up the driveway: they lean a broom on the front door when they leave the house. Works like a charm.

Except when Kevin had the idea of using this tactic to trick people into believing we weren’t home, in an effort to get some much needed peace and quiet. Outside of the challenge of getting a broom to lean up against the front door from the inside, we had to stay away from the windows–lest our deception be revealed–which resorted to us crawling around on the floor or hiding in closets.

Seeing the brooms on the doors, and other nonverbal indicators of “we’re not home” (in Rauma, they face ceramic animals sitting in the window in or out depending on whether the owners are inside), reminded me how nonverbal communication extends past our own communication and applies to clothing, signs and objects. In my recent eBook Beyond a Firm Handshake, 21 Ways to Communicate You’re the Right Person for the Job, I devote an entire chapter to deciphering what objects you should bring with you to an interview and which ones you should leave at home, since most people don’t ever think about what their “stuff” says about them.

Objects communicate nonverbally. And this traveler is thankful for it. Due to various nonverbals I could find my way in foreign airports, locate taxis, and identify security personnel should I need to. And although broadcasting to the world that you’re away from home probably seems risky to most Americans, in Finland it works nicely.

If you’re honestly away from home, that is.

When you see a Stop sign, what do you do? Stop? Really?

Yesterday morning, I came to a four-way stop in my local shopping center parking lot as I cruised toward Target, the first of about forty-seven stops on a busy errand-running day. The van ahead of me turned right; as I turned after her, a police car surprised me by zipping around out of an empty parking lot right in front of me. I was even more surprised when its lights came on.

I’ll never know for sure why Van Lady was pulled over, but the thought occurred to me: I bet, like me, she breezed right through that Stop sign.

I mean, really. Who stops? Completely? (Especially if you’re turning right and you see no cars—come on, admit it!) Unless you recently graduated from driving school and feel smug and self-righteous about your superior skills and etiquette (I’m ashamed to say, that was me at 15: “Mom! You didn’t signal!”), chances are you see Stop signs more as Slow-Down Signs. In driving school they referred to “not stops” as California Stops. 

The thing is, we also talk this way. We’re so interested in getting from Point A to Point B verbally, that wemashallourwordstogetherwithouteverpausingortakingabreath.

Hard to read? Guess what—it’s hard to listen to, too.

Pausing when we speak compares to traffic control. By pausing, we control the flow of traffic (words), we give ourselves a chance to assess the situation and change direction if need be, and we keep ourselves and other participants safe by allowing everyone to breathe. 

When we pepper our speech with appropriate pauses—whether in a one-on-one exchange or when presenting to thousands of people—we dramatically increase the chance for clear communication to occur. With pauses:

• we can hold attention
• others can listen more easily
• the message has a chance to sink in
• everyone thinks more rationally—breathing gets oxygen to the brain, which (surprise!) makes it function better.

So no California Stops! Well, when it comes to communicating, that is. You may also want to avoid them when driving through the Tanasbourne Town Center though, since that police car went right back to the empty parking lot with full view of the four way stop once Van Lady drove off.