Communication Break-Down

What do playing the piano and nonverbal intelligence have in common? More than you might think.

Music  is a language, a means of expression. While excellent technique does not ensure sensitive music-making, it requires skillfulness to convey feeling, mood, and depth. You must be a proficient musician to get your message across.

When I turned five, my dad began giving me piano lessons. He taught me to name the notes, count the beats, and use correct fingers. Soon, he taught me to play with both hands at the same time. And after a while, as if that wasn’t difficult enough, he told me that I had to make one hand louder than the other. Um, HARD! Those of you who have trouble chewing gum while walking (like me) will grasp the seeming impossibility of not only making your two hands do different things at the same time, but with varying degrees of force.

Of course, after years of practice it got easier. Eventually, I could tell upon first glance at a new piece of music which voice—either left or right hand—I needed to bring out over the other, and would automatically do so. 

Nonverbal Solutions continually drums this into your head: To effectively communicate (or play piano) you must have more than one approach. Only this will make your words—or your notes—worth hearing. Who really wants to listen to a beginning musician, unless it’s someone you are emotionally attached to, bang on a piano? It might be cute, it might represent learning and growth, it might be remarkable for the kid’s age, but until you learn to “voice”—bring out one line of music over another when appropriate—it’s just noise.

When we tell people to vary their communication styles to fit the needs of the situation, they balk. “That feels unnatural,” they complain. “It’s just not my style.” They worry that they will come across as fake or inauthentic by using uncharacteristic nonverbals . And, well, it is a bit clunky at first. My early attempts at voicing piano pieces didn’t qualify as passionate, heart-melting music. But did I contradict my character or personality by trying? Of course not! I simply had not yet mastered the skill.

So, yes. At first it will seem awkward and contrived to do something different. But does that mean you shouldn’t try?

Right. Go ahead and stick to your “comfortable” mode of communication, and continue to bang away discordantly at the proverbial piano. Or, practice bringing out the part of you that’s most appropriate in the moment, and begin living and communicating in harmony.

My three-year-old daughter, after a late night partying with the grandparents, followed me around the house the other day like a lost puppy. She fussed. She clung. She threw temper tantrums over every little thing. In essence, she drove me crazy.

“Mama,” she whined, halfway through the morning, “I want milk!”

Petulant. Sniffling. Fretful.

I sighed. “Babe,” I told her, “take a couple deep breaths and ask again. Get that ‘whine’ out of your voice!”

Remarkably, she did.

I think she sensed that if one of us didn’t immediately start some deep breathing techniques, things would get ugly. She inhaled and exhaled, each time a little more smoothly than before. Then she asked, in a perfectly pleasant voice, as if it had been a perfectly pleasant morning, “Mama, may I please have some milk?” And suddenly my day got 100% brighter.

That is the power of nonverbal communication: The power to keep exasperated parents from strangling their children.

Joking aside, nonverbal communication can preserve lives (ask a law enforcement officer who has had to “talk” someone out of a dangerous situation) as well as change lives (ask, well, anyone whose life has been changed by NVC, like me!).  Some view it as an intriguing “secret language” that brings perceptiveness to interpersonal exchanges and relationships. But beyond that, it imparts the ability to say what you want to say and be who you really are in the most clear and appropriate way. That’s why I’m fascinated by and in love with this subject!

I welcome the opportunity to coach for Sari de la Motte and Nonverbal Solutions. This company is my baby, too! Sari and I have discussed, debated, observed, analyzed, and marveled over communication principles since long before Nonverbal Solutions existed. I’m delighted to be taking over most of the coaching department and can’t wait to share my enthusiasm, along with practical tips and insights, with others who love the subject and want to improve their communication skills.

If I can teach a three-year-old to make a request without whining (at least, it happened once—since then, when I tell her to take a couple deep breaths, she responds with, “But Mama, I don’t want to breathe!”), I can help any willing adult become a more effective communicator.

Looking forward to it.

P.S. Being new to this venue, now that I’ve introduced myself, I’d love to hear from you, too! Leave a comment below and let me know what fascinates you about nonverbal communication.

I don’t have a great memory. I’d blame it on aging, but in all honesty, I don’t think it’s ever been that good. Years ago, when I was working the registration table at a musical event, a fellow grad student walked up to register along with her husband. I said, to the husband, “I’m so glad to finally meet you!” after which a long awkward silence occurred and my friend gently reminded me that we had indeed already met. Last month. When I’d had them both over to my house.

Yeah.

I bring that up because I would love to tell you about the first time I met Rachel, but I’m afraid I can’t actually remember. Suffice it to say we were fellow grad students in the piano department at Portland State University, and ended up teaching a class together. We’d get together to design weekly exams over a bottle of wine, and well, we’ve been inseparable ever since.

I guess I should get to the point and tell you why any of this matters. After a lot of cajoling, pressuring, wearing down and threatening to end our friendship unless she agreed, Rachel is joining Nonverbal Solutions as a coach. If you’ve been following this blog over the past few years then you already kind of know her. I’ve discussed her parenting, she’s pointed me in the right direction more than once, I’ve shared stories she’s shared with me, I’ve given her most of the furniture in my house to help me make decisions, and she also edited my eBook and freaked me out about passive voice. (Joke is on YOU Rachel as you now begin to blog….(cue evil laugh)…)

Anyhow, this is my very clumsy attempt to introduce Rachel Beohm to Nonverbal Solutions. She’ll be taking over most of the coaching as I focus on workshops and trial consulting. I’ll still coach, but will narrow my coaching practice to those looking to increase their presentation skills whereas Rachel will focus on all other coaching: interviews, promotions, general work issues, evil bosses, coworkers, and more.

I have to say I’m a bit…nervous. Not because I don’t think she’ll do well. She is absolutely the most intelligent, capable, and charismatic person I’ve ever known. No, I’m nervous because I’m worried that by sharing her with the world I won’t have as much access to her brain as I have previously. The woman is a genius. But that’s silly. I mean, hello, I’m paying her paycheck. She answers to me.

Rachel plans on introducing herself in this blog here soon as I am in Finland for the next three weeks. I look forward to hearing her voice in a more public way and in all seriousness, feel tremendously honored that she’s agreed to join Nonverbal Solutions. Welcome Rachel! You have NO idea what you’ve gotten yourself into!

*If you’d like to book a session with Rachel, contact Corey at: (503) 522.8038

Sigh.

I’ve been saying at workshops recently that I “blog regularly” and avoiding the eye of my business manager who, like all of you, knows that hasn’t been true lately.

After finishing the eBook, May and June have been a whirlwind of activity. I assisted on a high-profile trial, I’ve traveled to Bend, I’ve been down to Marion County, I’ve written and presented three new workshops, and on top of everything–I’m preparing for a three week vacation to Finland in a few weeks.

Throughout it all, I keep saying to myself, “When things return to normal, I’ll…” until one day I realized, this IS normal. Things aren’t going to “go back.”

It reminds me of the keynote I presented back in April called, “Navigating the New Normal.” An organization wanted me to speak on that topic, and I agreed, but when I started putting the keynote together I realized how silly it was to learn how to navigate “the new normal,” since once we learn how to do that, “normal” will change. Which just sets us up to learn how to navigate that new normal. And over and over again…

Part of the problem is the word normal. In and of itself, the word is limiting. It’s a box we create to contain “what we can handle,” and we think by labeling, we can stay safe. But as “normal” starts to fall apart, so do we.

No, what I realized back in April, and what’s been brought home to me personally this month, is that we need to navigate reality. We can only work with what’s right in front of us. Not with what we wish we had or how things used to be.

So I’m going to take my own advice and stop categorizing things as “normal” or “abnormal” and just navigate reality. The “new normal” is just a fancy phrase for what you have right in front of you.

In my book, Beyond a Firm Handshake: 21 Ways to Communicate You’re the Right Person for the Job, I discuss the 21 ways job seekers can position themselves as the top candidate in an interview. I’ve titled each chapter with various adverbs: Persuasively, Calmly, Confidently, Carefully, and so on. But there’s one way you must communicate above all others.

Authentically.

The most important thing you can communicate in an interview is who you are. You can’t trick people into believing you’re something you’re not, no matter what degree of “nonverbal intelligence” you possess.

Because we are often unaware of what we communicate nonverbally, we inadvertently get in our own way. We mean to say one thing and end up expressing something entirely different. How many times have you said, or heard someone else say, “But that’s not what I meant!” Nonverbal communication transmits the majority of the message. Increasing our nonverbal intelligence helps us communicate clearly; when we understand and are aware of nonverbal communication, we ensure that our intended message gets across.

By tuning into your nonverbal communication you’ll be able to convey your qualifications and your enthusiasm in the interview. You’ll be able to speak calmly and confidently, but also show that you’re listening. You’ll be able to remain composed and patient, and yet purposefully avoid behaviors, apparel and objects that detract from your presentation. In other words, you’ll be able to be you, without all the other stuff getting in the way.

The theme of “authenticity” has come up a lot lately in my work. Whether clients want to increase their public speaking, social or workplace skills, once we begin working together I sense hesitation or conversely feel like I’m watching a “show.” Over and over again I explain that the most powerful communication is authentic–you must “own” who you are and what you hope to get across–nonverbal skills assist you in communicating that authenticity more clearly.

So for those of you looking for work: Take a breath, believe in yourself and work at increasing your nonverbal intelligence to allow the real you to shine in the interview. The most powerful way to communicate in an interview, and in life, is authentically.

Learn more at our May 18th workshop when I team up with Stacey Lane, Career Coach for Beyond a Firm Handshake-Acing the Interview Before You Speak.

I did it. It’s done. Finally. And it only took three times longer than I expected it to!

You’d never think someone who speaks for a living would have such a hard time getting those same words down on the page, but hoo boy, writing is a completely different animal than getting up and speaking in front of people.

But it’s done.

I can’t speak for all writers, but what I feel after finishing the book falls somewhere between sheer elation and massive panic. I mean, it’s done, but no one except nearest and dearest have read it.

I suppose I should tell you what it’s about. It’s called, Beyond a Firm Handshake: 21 Ways to Communicate You’re the Right Person for the Job and focuses on how to get and nail the interview. I wrote it for several reasons: 1) so many people are looking for work right now, it just made sense to focus on how nonverbal communication can assist the job seeker, 2) my business manager told me to, and I usually do what he says and 3) most of the “body language” advice in current interview prep books is just plain stupid. And insulting.

For example, flip open any interview book and you’ll find advice like, “Use a firm handshake,” “Maintain eye contact” and “Sit with good posture.” And unless you’re 16 years old and looking for your first job, most people respond with, “Well, duh.”

MY eBook is different, of course. Beyond a Firm Handshake: 21 Ways to Communicate You’re the Right Person for the Job goes beyond a firm handshake and other obvious “body language” advice—although I’ve included some for fun—and gives you practical tools you can use to increase your nonverbal intelligence. This will ensure you communicate clearly, leading to increased interviewing capacity, and eventually, the job of your dreams.

At least that’s what the intro says.

More seriously, you’ll learn:

• Why no one is reading your resume
• How to turn the phone screen into a face-to-face interview
• Why “friendly” hiring managers can be dangerous
• What to bring, and more importantly, avoid bringing to the interview
• Why your interview begins and ends in the parking lot
• What it really means to be “likeable”
• How to handle illegal, trick or just plain weird questions
• Why you should never, ever call to follow up
• And more!

You can download a PDF copy at our website for $8.99 or stay tuned for the announcement of when it’s available for Kindle, iPad, Sony Reader, Nook and other eReader devices.

You get a free copy if you register for our upcoming workshop: Beyond a Firm Handshake-Acing the Interview Before You Speak on May 18th when I team up with Stacey Lane, a local career coach. And finally, if you want to hear me talk about the types of things I write about in the book, you can listen to my recent interview with Career Studios.

Happy reading!

If I asked you to act surprised right now, what would you do? Most of us would inhale sharply, pulling our head and shoulders back, and hold our breath. And that’s the problem. When we’re surprised, we trip the sympathetic nervous system activating our fight or flight response. Instead of being responsive we become reactive, and we simply don’t communicate well.

But you can’t help being surprised, right?

If you’re my husband, probably not. I have this really sadistic sense of humor and enjoy jumping out and scaring him whenever possible.

But outside of evil spouses, spiders and mice, I think a lot of our surprise is self-created.

It’s due, I think, to our expectations. We often create, ahead of time, a mental image about how things will be, or worse -how things should be- and then when life doesn’t conform to the fantasy we’ve created we end up surprised.

One way of dealing with surprise is to label- the more we know ahead of time, the less surprised, right? This happens whenever I trot out the cats and dogs analogy in one of my workshops. People immediately want to label themselves or others “cat” or “dog” and I can see why. It gives us a sense of control if we know what to expect. The problem is that people don’t stay in the neat little boxes we create- including ourselves.

No, the only way to reduce our surprise is to be present, -truly present- in the moment and adapt our behavior to the situation we’re facing. We can label behavior to assist us in knowing what might be helpful in various interactions, but labeling people just allows us to drop our awareness- if we label someone, we can stop thinking.

Nonverbal intelligence is what allows us to remain present. We’re rarely caught off guard because we don’t hold preconceived ideas of how people will or should act. Instead, we watch carefully and adjust so good communication can happen. When we reduce our surprise, we remain rational and calm, two ingredients essential for any successful exchange.

I recently gave a talk about nonverbal communication in the workplace, and shared that I would be presenting our brand new workshop, The Language of Leadership, next Tuesday.

A woman in the audience raised her hand and said, “I’ve asked my manager for approval to attend this workshop, but I don’t think he sees me as a leader. How do I persuade him to grant me permission to attend?”

I responded, “You don’t. Don’t give your power away. Attend, pay for it yourself if you have to, and instead of asking him to see you as a leader, show him your leadership. In other words, don’t wait for permission to lead, lead from where you are.”

Too often we believe that leadership is something that’s awarded to us, or something that’s linked to our role or position. But in actuality, leadership is a decision. Lead from any chair, says Ben Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, and author of The Art of Possibility. Whether we’re a member of an orchestra, school board or a team of engineers, we don’t need a title or permission to lead.

Seth Godin, in his book Tribes- We Need You to Lead Us -a book I can barely put down- says, “The question isn’t, Is it possible for me to do that? The question is, Will I choose to do it?”

Will you?

Everyone can be a leader. You just need a vision, a voice, and a connection with your followers. But first you must decide to lead.

So put aside the reasons why you aren’t leadership material, or why you can’t afford it, or why it’s too hard to get time off, and make the decision to lead from where you are. Join me this coming Tuesday, March 29th, to learn how to speak the language of leadership. No more excuses. Decide, take action, and step into leadership. As Seth says, we need you to lead us.

Absolutely nothing.

A year and a half ago in my first blog post, I explained how I wasn’t a body language expert. Seems the word still hasn’t gotten out.

I got a call from my business manager Sunday asking if I’d like to be on television that afternoon. Turns out a local station was hoping I could read Congressman David Wu’s body language as he gave an interview about the departure of almost half his staff due to his rumored mental health issues.

“What’s their intended outcome?” I asked Corey. “I don’t know,” he said, “they just want you at the station in a few hours.”

I declined.

Reading the body language of someone who is in the midst of a personal and professional crisis is an inappropriate use of my skills and poor representation of what I really do. No, I don’t want to read David Wu’s body language, nor Tiger Woods (which I’ve been asked to do) nor recent Oscar winner Colin Firth..well wait. Perhaps I’d be willing to do that. I’d take any chance to dissect Colin’s body, uh, language, especially that pond scene in Pride and Prejudice, when he dives in and emerges dripping wet…

But I digress.

Reading body language of a politician, celebrity, or potential juror is futile. It’s nothing short of hallucinating. We tend to watch people and make up stories as to what’s going on inside their heads, and oftentimes we’re wrong. It would be irresponsible of me to train others to watch for specific cues and attach meaning, when we can’t possibly know for sure what someone is thinking or feeling by watching nonverbal behavior. The only nonverbal behavior we can control is our own.

Does that mean it’s pointless to observe the nonverbal communication of those we’re communicating with? Absolutely not. But here’s the question we should always be asking ourselves: what effect does my nonverbal behavior have on someone else? In other words, to become nonverbally intelligent, we increase awareness of what we and others communicate nonverbally, so we can adapt our approach. If I communicate one way and notice the other person remains unreceptive, I switch and try something else. This isn’t because I hope to manipulate- it’s because I want good communication to happen.

Because I’m not personally sitting down with Congressman Wu, nor Mr. Woods, what they’re communicating nonverbally is of very limited use to me. Do I still observe? Yes, we can’t help but do so since nonverbal communication is such a large part of any message. But to draw conclusions based on such limited information is reckless at best.

So although I’m glad people think of me when they think of nonverbal communication, I hope that we can begin a new conversation about its usefulness and turn the focus on ourselves where it belongs.

Unless someone needs a read on Colin Firth. Then I’m up for it.

Update: We’ve extended the early-bird registration price for our new workshop The Language of Leadership. Register at: www.nonverbalsolutions.com by this Friday, March 4th, to receive the discount.